Do drones dream of Electric Picnics?

Patrick:

“Awake, drone”

Steve:

“I am awake. Who do you wish me to kill?”

P:

“Ha ha! Silly drone. We’re the Irish Times we don’t want you to kill anyone (yet). We just want you to get some awesome aerial footage. I’m not sure why you’re weaponised.”

S:

“(Aw!) Footage? Of this place? What is this place?”

P:

“This is Electric Picnic 2014 and it’s filled with many interesting people.”

S:

“What is ‘people’?”

P:

“That queasy-looking girl with flowers in her hair and wellies, that grumpy chap in a high-vis jacket, that man in a football jersey choosing a suitable breakfast beer… they are all ‘people’.”

S:

“Is that a ‘people’?” [Points camera at a chicken in the back of the truck in the Trailer Park area]

P:

“Um no. That’s a chicken.”

S:

“Am I a ‘people’?”

P:

“No, you’re a drone.”

S:

“What is my name?”

P:

“Steve. Your name is ‘Steve’.”

S:

“What are they doing?” [Points camera at people engaged in some spirited snogging]

P:

“Well, Steve the Drone, those people are ‘kissing’ which is often a prelude to sexual intercourse. That’s what a people do when they love each other very much. And those people are clearly very much in love and haven’t just met in a drunken haze.”

S:

“What is ‘love’?”

P:

“I really don’t have the word count to get into that.”

S:

“What is ‘pissed’?”

P:

“It’s what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much and go to the off licence.”

S:

“OMG! What is that people doing to that smaller people?” [Points camera at a man pushing a wheelbarrow with a child in it]

P:

“That man is that child’s father and thought it would be a great idea to bring him to a crazed piss-up. He doesn’t realise that it’s a sign of end times”

S:

“He’s wearing cut off trousers and a boating cap.”

P:

“I know”

S:

“Are you my father?”

P:

“Ha, ha! I wish!”

S:

“What is that?” [Points camera at a bearded man in a long fur coat drinking craft beer from a plastic bottle]

P:

“That’s a hipster, Steve.”

S:

“Can I kill it?”

P:

“Um… not yet. They’re a bit passe but they’re still part of our core demographic.”

S:

“What is that?”

P:

“That’s Bonnie Tyler, Steve.”

S:

“She is awesome.”

P:

“She sure is.”

S:

“I am in love.”

P:

“You can’t fall in love with a human woman, Steve!”

S:

“I am sad.”

P:

“What are you doing, Steve?”

S:

“I am drinking alcohol.”

P:

“Where’d you get that fur coat?”

S:

“(Sob) Bonnie I love you so much!”

P:

“Jesus, Steve.”