Give it a Lash, Al

I WAS sorry to hear of the recent death of Al "Lash" La Rue at the age of 78. Al became a cult figure in the old B Westerns for thrashing baddies with a 20 foot bullwhip, but just as admirable was his professionalism Al's films usually took no more than a week to make, with an average budget of about $20,000. No multi million dollar stuff and no superstar nonsense there.

It was sad of course that he ended up as a semi crazed evangelist and worse, a poet. This was after periods on his downward spiral as a vagrant, a drunk and a drug abuser. He did however make a film comeback as late as the eighties. Along the way he also found time to marry and divorce 10 times.

But what am I getting at? Why, the need for diversity of employment and occupation when times are difficult though multiple marriage seems rather an extreme measure.

This has relevance to a recent newspaper story about the "plight" of novelists in Britain whose advances and sales have fallen in recent years. None of them, it would appear, sees any need to have another job on the side. They regard themselves as artists Heaven help us, and don't appear to have noticed that the "job for life" has become a thing of the past.

Even Al "The Lash" did riot depend entirely on his movie income and in his spare time wrote pornographic scripts, probably a more time consuming business than it sounds.

Maybe more important is the "job for wife." George Burns, the American comedian who died recently at the age of 100 once remarked that "First of all you've got to have talents. Then you've got to marry her.

This is not entirely facetious. The late Barnet Litvinoff, the Jewish historian, married his childhood sweetheart, who then became his secretary, researcher, editor, critic and according to one obituary the "man about the house" since Barnet was hopelessly impractical. That makes five jobs, or six if you include "wife" as occupation rather than status.

All right. I am interested in a company called British Biotecb. After a mere 10 years in existence, the boss is now worth major draw? £30m and the finance director £7m, while about 20 other employees are also millionaires.

The remarkable thing is that the stuff which has made them all rich is not even in production yet. Not a single item has been made, never mind sold.

There is no trick or con job here. Biotech is developing an anti cancer drug, and the fact that tests so far are encouraging has put a high price on the company. The question is, what can we learn from this.

You're the one advising Us.

Well, it seems one can become a wealthy producer of goods without actually producing goods. Holding out the prospect of an item desired by a great many people is sufficient.

You have something in mind, I know it.

Your perspicacity is impressive. Now, as a consumer yourself, perhaps you could suggest something badly needed by the world?

Sure We need all kinds of hightech items, caster cars, bigger houses, smaller computers, sharper clothes and wider roads. Some thing along those lines, is that what you re going to make?

Your materialism is a little depressing. Tangible goods have their place in the world but Irish Bio Ethics will be involved in something more exalted.

Bio Ethics?

Yes. The company brochure, already being printed, will promote considerations such as global ethics, self worth, transparent honesty, all round toleration and the dignity of man. Each of these is surely as desirable and useful in the world as an anti cancer drug.

But how will you produce stuff like that?

As in the case of British Biotech, we will not need to actually produce anything. Carefully selected employees will instill, even distil, complete confidence by their appearance and manner. All board members including myself as chairman will have to be above criticism in our personal lives. Our characters must be able to stand up to the most stringent tests. In a world of fraud and chicanery, we shall stand tall.

When will the money start rolling in?

As soon as the results of the tests are issued to the world press. Our company will then seek and obtain listings on the stock markets from London to Japan. We are talking of a seriously wealthy global corporation in perhaps five years.

Any jobs going?

Yes, if you are quick, presentable, well spoken, of impeccable character and wish to be in on the ground floor of a remarkable enterprise.

I am and I do.

Then welcome to Irish BioEthics.