Five steps to a better relationship

Two authors pinpoint the mistakes we make in our love-life. They tell Róisín Ingle about passion, tolerance - and broccoli

When it comes to failed relationships we are the architects of our own unhappiness, according to two Irish authors who have just sealed an international publishing deal which will spread their own brand of self help around the world.

According to Judy May Murphy and Cathy Breslin, authors of Your Life Only A Gazillion Times Better, to avoid ending up howling "why oh why?" when another relationship comes crashing around our ears, we should acquaint ourselves with the key mistakes which bring us to that doomed stage.

"It's just about knowing in advance what can go wrong," explains Breslin, a hypnotherapist and counsellor. "People are unfamiliar with the simple measures that not only keep a relationship going well but can actually enhance it."

As an international life coach, Murphy regularly flies around the world offering relationship advice to clients. "In Ireland, more than anywhere else, it seems people are often content to let relationships stagnate into friendship - or, worse, mild animosity - and they stay that way for years thinking that situation is better than nothing," she says.

"Irish people tend to think stagnation is inevitable in a long-term relationship but we believe no matter how long a couple are together it is possible to fall madly, passionately in love with that person again."

Having just signed a deal with HCI, the team behind publishing sensation Chicken Soup for the Soul, their book is about to do the rounds of US chatshows and the authors are hoping to get the nod from the increasingly influential Oprah Winfrey. Next week the authors will hold a "Relationship Rescue" seminar in Dublin and here they outline five deadly mistakes that ruin relationships - and how to avoid them.

1. It's My Way or The Highway

We all have them. Rules and ideas that govern the way we live. Ignore your partner's at your peril because almost every argument you have happens when you don't pay heed.

Murphy explains: "Maybe she has a rule that says: 'If you love me you won't raise your voice,' and he has a rule that says: 'If you love me, you won't walk out during an argument.' So when he raises his voice, she walks out and it starts another argument that can't be salvaged." According to Breslin, by knowing a partner's rules you can head off these challenges in advance.

2. Ignoring the Elephant in the Room

"If you are living a relationship in your head, afraid to broach what is troubling you with a partner because of a fear of damaging the relationship, then there are definitely problems ahead," says Murphy.

She maintains we have been trained from an early age to endure things rather than complain and this is why we are often afraid to speak out. But sweeping difficulties under the carpet leads inevitably to resentment.

"When you are exhausted, trying to cope with anger internally, you try to reduce your pain by cultivating emotional numbness," says Breslin. "This means while you avoid feeling pain you also avoid passion and excitement. Each time you fail to communicate resentment you are building a barrier that, in time, becomes impossible to break down."

3. Performing DIY On Your Partner

Why does he wear those shoes? Why does she have to talk to her mother three times a day? Has he some kind of allergy to washing up gloves? Trying to change your mate can only end in disaster and when you start looking for faults, one thing is guaranteed: you will find them.

"Accept that you can't change the other person but know that it is possible for them to change themselves with your support," says Murphy.

Everyone is looking for ways to improve themselves. Rather than demanding these improvements, Breslin suggests encouraging them. "And remember why you fell in love with the person in the first place," she says. "They are still that same person so it helps to focus on that". Accept your partner the way they are. "If you want changes, perhaps the best place to start is with yourself," adds Murphy.

4. Passing on Passion

When is the most important time to initiate sexual activity with a partner? When it's the last thing you feel like doing, according to the experts. "If you initiate romance, whether that is going for a walk or making love, it brings on the feelings that are sometimes hidden," says Murphy. She uses the analogy of a meal. "Sometimes you may not feel that hungry but eating a starter is a little reminder to your stomach of what it has been missing," she says.

Never take each other for granted. "Use the love word regularly and engage in passionate kissing spontaneously. Tell them how they make you feel," says Breslin. She suggests planning at least one evening a week away from any distractions including children.

5. Using Words As Weapons

The way we speak to a partner holds a lot of clues as to the state of our relationships. Listen to the language you use when talking to your partner.

Often we are not aware that our tone is hurtful or that the words we use are insulting or disrespectful. One of the biggest language offenders, say the experts, comes when people qualify positive remarks with "but".

Breslin explains: "This is when you say: 'Thanks for cooking dinner, but you forgot the broccoli.' Or: 'Thanks for bringing the kids to school, but you didn't talk to their teacher'. Swopping the 'but' for 'and' can transform the way you communicate.

"It might be: 'Thanks for cooking dinner and we'll have the broccoli tomorrow.' Being more mindful of words can have amazingly positive results," she adds.

The Relationship Rescue seminar runs on April 17th in the Burlington Hotel, Dublin and costs €195. Tel: 086-947 1600 for details