Battle, Los Angeles

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman. Starring Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan 12A cert, gen release, 117 min

The following is composed from actual dialogue and incidents inBattle, Los Angeles. For real

“Hoo-Rah, Marines.”

“Staff Sergeant, Sir?”

“Goddammit, Marine, are you Marine or a woman? Say Hoo-Rah and give me that status report.”

“It’s an alien invasion film, sir. It’s like an Iraq film except we can do anything we want to the enemy and we get to win.”

“Marine: you are the bravest Marine I have ever known. Are there Marines in this movie?”

“Yes, sir. It’s Marines vs Aliens.”

“Sounds like my kind of picture. How many we got?”

“A tightly knit Fugazi Marine unit with a couple of civilian women and kids in tow.”

“Jesus H Puffnstuff, what the hell are these Marine children doing here?”

“They’re not Marine children, sir; they’re just children.”

“They’re Marine children now. You, Small Marine, are the Bravest Marine I have Ever Known.”

“Sir, we’ve just lost Lieutenant Cannonfodder and Private Ethnic is looking pretty nervous. We may be the only human resistance left.”

“Godammit. Cannonfodder was the Bravest Marine I have ever known. We gotta get Semper Fu on these alien mothers. Where in Marine hell did they come from?”

“Outer Space, Sir. Possibly the Planet Smash in the Monosodium quadrant. They look exactly like the robots from the commercials for the popular dehydrated potato product. Except these aliens have really big guns and have conveniently located their command centre in a dangerous spot two clicks south.”

“A suicide mission, eh? Outstanding. I like those odds. Arrange the men so that half of them will get picked off along the way. And round up a couple of marines to say ‘Hoo-Rah’ as they nobly sacrifice themselves.”

“Yes Sir.”

“Godammit. They were the Bravest Marines I Have Ever Known. How do we kill these things anyhow?”

“One of the civilians is a veterinarian, Staff Sergeant.”

“Marine, are you telling me that this is the kind of picture where people just walk into a room and say ‘I’m a vet. I know just what to do’? Jesus Q Ladyhumps. al- Qaeda’s gotta be on this. May God have mercy on our Marine souls.”

“Sir, I really need to be excused from this detail. I can’t keep talking like this. And because of the post- Cloverfield camera jitters I haven’t been able to focus on a single object in two hours. Also, the special effects are ropey. My eyes fell out 10 minutes ago.”

“Son, you are the Bravest Marine I Have Ever Known. Remember to shout Hoo-Rah as you blow your weak lady ass and them Smash robots all to hell.”

“Yes sir, I will.”