Code of Conduct

Rosita Boland with this week's guide to etiquette for modern living

4. At Airports

1 Be polite to the check-in staff: it may be your first flight of the day, or even the year, but the people who work there have seen all the destination labels before. If there are no window/aisle seats left, they can't magic them out of nowhere.

2 If you are travelling first class, keep quiet about it: do not mention the words "steerage", "cargo" or "cattle" while in earshot of non-first-class fellow passengers.

3 Be prepared to be ripped off: try not to lose your holiday mood when a bottle of water and a poxy sandwich at any airport outlet cost you more than the price of your air ticket.

4 Forget make-up and booze and check out the only real airport bargain: paperback editions of selected newly published books that are only available in hardback elsewhere.

5 Do not lie down across five seats while your partner goes shopping: other people might like to sit in one of your four other seats.

6 If asked by security guards whether you have anything to declare, do not be smart and say "only my genius": even Oscar Wilde wouldn't get away with it now.

7 Funnily enough, it's not funny to be the last person on the plane: especially if you arrive half-cut and are the only passenger oblivious to your own lateness.

8 When you get on the plane, do not stand for half an hour in the aisle: self-importantly stowing your luggage while ignoring the queue behind you is not going to impress anyone.

9 If you're lucky enough to be on a plane that still serves food (of a kind), don't call the people who deliver it "trolley dollies" - at least, not in their hearing.

10 If at all possible, avoid the hell that is Heathrow Airport: possibly the grimmest airport in the world, only one consonant away from "Deathrow".