You used to be an Internet squillionaire, but because of that damned Nasdaq thingy you're down to your last few million. You'd think high society would now be grateful that you have to scrimp and save like a common-or-garden lawyer, but no. Everyone who matters still regards you as a vulgar little arriviste incapable of thinking beyond the next financial quarter.
Your girlfriend's sister has just had a baby. You have to give the chisler a present, but any display of wealth will provoke quiet sneers of contempt from her lot. You go for a simple, solid-gold baby's rattle, with diamond studs and an emerald trim. It's a bit heavy but the kid will grow into it.
You idiot! That's far too expensive - they'll never accept you now! If only you'd gone for the baby Tree in a Box. Each little box contains tree seeds and a pre-planted peat pot; you just put it in the ground, add water, and wait 30 years!
You could have chosen a California Redwood, or a Douglas Fir, or a Red Maple, or a Ponderosa Pine, and it would have shown how far-thinking and nature-loving you were. It will also show how rooted (geddit?!) you are to ancient culture; the Celts used to plant trees in the names of their children.
The Tree in a Box, £6.25 (€7.90) including postage within Ireland, is available from Branch Services on http://www.branchservicesirl.big-step.com or (01) 822-4312 or (086) 897-4825. Corporate discounts also available.
Become a gizmo source: smaccarthaigh@irish-times.ie
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