The Tanita Body Fat Monitor

Oh yes, you know you are fat

Oh yes, you know you are fat. But how fat exactly? Probably not that fat at all, really, when you consider those heavy bones you inherited from your peasant forebears, and also the fact that your blood - royal stock from all those High Kings of Ireland - is thicker and therefore weightier than that of normal people, and then there's those glands swelling up like that at the very sight of a weighing scales, not to mention water retention. Now you can say goodbye forever to that happy glow of self-denial, with the Body Fat Monitor. The device, invented by the Japanese, works by shooting "low, safe" electrical impulses through your body. The impulses pass freely through fluids contained in muscle tissue, but encounters "bio-electrical impedence" when it gets to fat tissue.

Simply set the machine for your height and weight, push the button, and find out your exact body fat ratio. Men should have no more than 23 per cent, while women have apparently negotiated a separate deal and remain healthy with up to 27 per cent body fat.

The Tanita Body Fat Monitor, £80 (€102) for an individual model, £100 for the family version, is available from Irish Response on 1850 35-10-10 or at pharmacies and department stores.