Ted puts wind up Hall but Curtin draws colour from Marty's cheeks

TV VIEW: SKY SPORTS asked the man from Easy Cleaning Services how he'd feel if Manchester United equalled Liverpool's 18 league titles this season and to be honest, we thought he was going to barf all over the microphone, so repulsed was he by the mere thought of it.

"It'd be absolutely devastating, like," he said, confirming what we suspected: there's some rivalry there.

Cork hurling supporters could, indeed, confirm to the Easy Cleaning Services man it's not nice to be caught by your rivals, even worse to be overtaken by them, as they were a fortnight ago when Kilkenny . . . well, you know.

Our heart went out to Jimmy Barry Murphy on Saturday night when he turned up for greyhound racing punditry duty with RTÉ at Shelbourne Park, no doubt happy to be distracted from the throbbing pain that was and remains Kilkenny's 31st All-Ireland title.

And who should turn up at the very same venue? Three fellas by the name of Cha Fitzpatrick, Richie Power and Liam MacCarthy, the latter not joining in on the chat with Marty Morrissey because he's a cup.

We thought Jimmy might walk out in protest, but, as is his wont, he was gracious about it all.

"The best team I've ever seen," he said, "the most perfect display by a hurling team I ever saw in Croke Park."

Over on RTÉ 1, incidentally, Seán Óg Ó hAilpín was no less gracious at the People of the Year Awards, asking a budding Cork hurling star, seven-year-old Ronan Hayes, to step up his training so he could help his county thwart Kilkenny in a few years' time, "when they're going for 20 in a row". The audience laughed. Seán Óg didn't.

Back at Shelbourne Park, Ger Canning pointed out to Jimmy that one of the dogs in the Irish Derby, Machu Picchu, was "owned by a Waterford syndicate and, guess what, trained by a Kilkenny man". An omen of sorts? Not really. He finished last.

The winner was Shelbourne Aston, kind of a Usain Bolt with four legs. He won €175,000 for chasing a mechanical metal hare thing - never, surely, has stupidity been so profitable.

Shelbourne Aston's trainer Pat Curtin is a Clare man, so Marty Morrissey took special pleasure in congratulating him. The pleasure, though, was a bit short-lived.

"WE'RE BRINGING THIS F***ING DERBY BACK TO F***ING WEST CLARE! Can I curse, Marty?" asked Pat.

"No you can't curse, keep it cool," said our RTÉ man. But it was too late, the language as industrial as that quite probably used by Alex Ferguson in the Anfield dressingroom as he addressed his players post-match (eg, "EIGHTEEN F***ING LEAGUE TITLES?! YOUSE'LL BE LUCKY TO WIN 18 F***ING POINTS"). A good weekend, then, for Liverpool and Clare, Machu Picchu and Machunited returning to the drawing board, although there was some consolation for Seán Óg and Jimmy Barry with Cork's camogie triumph.

Asked post-match what she thought of midfielder Briege Corkery's performance - think Shelbourne Aston crossed with a Duracell Bunny and Henry Shefflin - manager Denise Cronin smiled. "We have a little joke in the dressingroom," she said, "each blade of grass in Croke Park knows her by name, and I think she covered them twice today."

For every Briege Corkery, though, there's someone who just doesn't quite make the sporting mark. "Aidan, hard luck, another disappointing day," said Tracy Piggott to that O'Brien trainer man at the Curragh yesterday.

The old ones, eh?

"Aidan, many, many congratulations," she said, after he won his 673rd classic of the afternoon, or something like that. We're guessing by now Tracy says "Aidan, many, many congratulations" in her sleep.

Need it be said it was lashing at the Curragh. Trainer Jim Bolger was accepting of the elements - "Sure, the weather's the weather and that's it, get on with it," he told Tracy - but Ted Walsh felt something should be done. For one awful moment we thought he was going to suggest we nuke the rain clouds above Kildare, but mercifully his thoughts were just focused on the ground.

Robert Hall suggested we go down the American "dual-purpose flat track" route. "When it gets too wet, they take off the cover and run on dirt - it would be brilliant, wouldn't it?"

"We don't want to copy what the Americans are doing," said Ted. "But it works well for them, they don't complain," said Robert.

"They don't complain because they don't know any better," said Ted.

Robert retreated, tucking his Star-Spangled Banner back into his lunchbox, while Ted turned his attention to Mastercraftsman in the parade ring. "He's got a nice foot on him," he observed, "he's not a little small . . . you know those little American feet? He's got a nice big, flat foot on him."

"Um," said Robert, fearful the land of the free and the home of the brave and little feet and dirt tracks had been hopelessly offended. Too late, damage done.