TV View: The boys hail a miracle at the Aviva

Liamo: ‘For me, this is the greatest result for Ireland since 2001. Quite incredible’

Ireland’s Shane Long celebrates with Robbie Brady and Wes Hoolahan at the end of the game. Photograph:  Donall Farmer/Inpho

Ireland’s Shane Long celebrates with Robbie Brady and Wes Hoolahan at the end of the game. Photograph: Donall Farmer/Inpho

 

Oh. Mein. Gott.

A Darren Randolph-Shane Long one-two and Bob’s your Onkel, we had ourselves one of the most impossibly daft and outrageously delicious results in the entire and complete history of Association football.

Only one word for it, really: bonkers.

And if you’d forecast this very outcome after those first 20 minutes, when Germany’s keep-ball was positively rude, you’d have been declared a bit bonkers yourself.

The RTÉ panel certainly never saw it coming, the atmosphere funereal after the Irish team was unveiled. John Giles kind of looked like he wanted to go home.

Incidentally, the two big questions most of us were asking ahead of the night’s action: By how much would the world champions annihilate us?

And how long before we had a booby pun?

Over to Tony O’Donoghue at the Aviva.

“I’ve been keeping abreast of things this week,” he beamed, so that was one of the queries sorted after 3.2 seconds.

Maternity bench

Robbie Keane

Stephen Ward and Darryl Murphy were in. Repeat: Stephen Ward and Darryl Murphy were in.

Gilesie’s head was sore from the scratching. His face kind of read: “Ah Jaysus.” The Dunph forecast “caveman stuff”. Liam Brady concluded our only hope was Poland.

Not the most positive beginning to the evening.

The injuries and suspensions had proved too costly, the lads reckoned, although the absence of Glenn Whelan didn’t quite draw a tear from Eamon’s eye.

How much will we miss him?

Second Captains

“I don’t think we’ll miss him at all, particularly.”

Darragh Maloney thought that was rude, but Eamon was unrepentant. But even without Glenn, and with Wes Hoolahanzinho, he feared the worst.

The German line-up, meanwhile, was enough to have you running to the bathroom, their bench looking 18 times stronger than our first 11, to be honest.

Eamon tried to lift our spirits by telling us that World Cup-winning defenders Mats Hummels and Jérôme Boateng “aren’t great”, and that overall defensively they weren’t “bombproof”, stopping short if accusing them of being inefficient.

Predictions?

Eamon: “I can’t see anything but a German win tonight.”

Gilesie: “I wouldn’t be optimistic.”

Liamo: [Cradling photo of Robert Lewandowski].

First half. Gooooooooooal. Not in Dublin, like, but over in Glasgow where Liamo’s loved one did what Liamo’s loved one tends to do: score.

Gooooooal! Norn Iron one up against Greece.

That’s kind of where the good news ended, Scotland equalised and back in Dublin Germany were running so many rings around us, it was dizzying.

And Shay Given hobbled off, David Forde’s “you’re having a laugh, like” expression mirroring our own as he wasn’t called to action, Darren Randolph being called in to action between the posts.

Only half-time, and it was already bonkers.

“Germany owned the ball,” said a sighing Eamon (which is literally true – it’s made by Adidas), Gilesie impressed by Robbie Brady and Hoolahanzinho but wishing everyone else could be taken off.

Second half.

Scotland 2-1 up, and the night was threatening to take on the shape of a pear.

And then Darren and Shane, our new Jairzinho and Pelé, teamed up to create and score a goal of unimaginable beauty – its loveliness amplified by the fact that we never saw it coming.

“That’s some power! That’s some precision! That’s some finish,” said Jim Beglin, who returned to the RTÉ line-up last night, a charm so lucky he must now be handcuffed to George Hamilton.

Wait. Thomas Müller . Must score. Would ya believe it?

George: “How many lives have we left?”

Jim: “I think they’re used up.”

An interminable amount of time later: the final whistle. Heavenly. Magical. Gorgeous.

Darragh: “Miracles do happen!”

Liamo: “I thought we’d need a miracle - and I’ve just seen one. Absolutely brilliant. For me, this is the greatest result for Ireland since 2001. Quite incredible. A treat to be here to see that tonight.”

“We should cherish tonight,” said a gobsmacked Gilesie, “we don’t get many like them.”

Too true.

Eamon, meanwhile, doffed his cap to German “arrogance and complacency”, reckoning their biggest problem is that they don’t have a Wes Hoolahan – who, he revealed, and as many people suspected, is his “love child”.

Martin and Roy, presumably, had to cut the celebrations short to break the news to the midfield maestro, not wanting him to hear it on the team bus back to the hotel.

Still, though, hardly as big an upset as us beating the world champions.

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