“Rate the World Cup pundits like L’Équipe rate players,” was the instruction. Now, this is hard, because we all know just how brutal L’Équipe can be. It’s like they forget these players have mothers who read papers.
Take, for example, their mark out of 10 for Lucas Digne, Ousmane Dembélé and Michael Olise after France’s semi-final defeat to Spain: two – two! For those of us who had just named Olise in their team of the tournament, this was especially humiliating.
Mind you, that’s still two more than they famously gave Bordeaux midfielder Wendel 20-ish years ago when he was sent off for almost removing the leg of a Grenoble opponent.
There will be no zeros in these pundit ratings because everyone should get at least one point for turning up (and having a mother), and we’ll only be picking a sprinkling from each channel, because if we covered every contributor this would end up longer than War and Peace.
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RTÉ
Kenny Cunningham: This will seem harsh because Kenny appears to be a very nice man and regularly offers opinions on footballing matters so unique that you cannot but be entertained. But for saying that Lionel Messi should have retired after the last World Cup, and for welcoming the (Infantino/Trump) decision to allow Folarin Balogun play for the United States against Belgium, we were close enough to doing a Wendel on him. Rating: 1/10
Didi Hamann: Quite often he comes over a little like the love-child of Liam Brady and Eamon Dunphy – ie a blend of delicious grumpiness with some mad stuff thrown in. And few can skewer a manager/team/player quite like him – see his pulverising of Germany after their elimination at the hands of Paraguay. Rating: 7/10
Richie Sadlier: He doesn’t always come over as a bag of laughs, a bit Ronnie Whelan-ish, but his mission is more to analyse than amuse – and considering he’s an analyst, that’s not unreasonable. The highlight of his World Cup was when he whipped RTÉ’s arse – live on RTÉ – for showing ads during hydrations breaks. Top man. Rating: 7/10
Shay Given/Kevin Doyle/Stephen Kelly: Sorry, bland. Like they’re paid by the cliche. Rating: 3/10
BBC
Alan Shearer: Look, it’s perfectly fine for pundits/co-commentators to lustily support their own, but Shearer’s glasses are so tinted with Three Lions the fella appears unable to see. He even thought Jarell Quansah shouldn’t have been sent off for embedding his studs in a Mexican. He makes Lee Dixon seem objective. And that’s sayin’ something. Rating: 1/10
Wayne Rooney: During his playing days, Wazza had the look of a man who would rather undergo a colonoscopy than give interviews to the media, so his development as a pundit has come as no small surprise. He still never looks entirely comfortable in front of the cameras, and on occasion holds his microphone so high his face is no longer visible. But his analysis is good. Sometimes very good. Rating: 7/10
Micah Richards: Disliking Micah would be akin to disliking labradoodles – it just shouldn’t be possible. But since he burst on to the punditry scene, going on to become omnipresent (is there a channel or podcast he doesn’t appear on?), it’s sometimes a little difficult to figure out why he keeps getting employed. Yes, he has a hearty laugh that registers around nine on the Richter scale, but, well, what else does he offer? Often, his best tactical advice amounts to: “Move the ball!” Rating: 2/10
Joe Hart: As a former Manchester City player, Hart was always going to have to work hard to be liked as a pundit. But he’s succeeded. Needless to say, his analysis of goalkeeping is especially perceptive, to the point where he leaves you feeling sufficiently qualified to replace Jordan Pickford (behave). Rating: 8/10
Olivier Giroud: He came over as wishing he was anywhere else than in a studio watching football. And after a couple of games, you’d be left wishing he was anywhere else too. Lovely hair, though. Rating: 1/10
ITV
Roy Keane: It’s a mystery how he even found time to work on the World Cup when he’s walking the paws off that golden retriever and having his eyebrows trimmed on the hour, every hour. Our rating could prove a little controversial because there are, unfathomably, people out there who don’t love Roy and believe he has become a parody of himself. True, his tactical advice often goes along the lines of “get into them!”, but no matter. If you’re not entertained by Roy, you’re unentertainable. Rating: 11/10
Emma Hayes: Putting her in a kitchen-like setting and only providing her with chalk and a blackboard to do her analysis had some wondering why ITV didn’t go the whole hog and give Hayes an ironing board and vacuum cleaner. But that was all much ado about nothing. As ever, her punditry was insightful, though, at times, it can sound coaching-manual-ish. Rating: 7/10
Ian Wright: Whatever it is about Wrightie, his jingoism never feels as grating as, say, Shearer’s or Dixon’s, it just comes over as bubbly and passionate – a bit like himself. His double-act with Roy won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but for others it’s the best since Abbott and Costello (ask yer granny). Rating: 7/10
Gary Neville: Another of the Marmite pundits – some enjoy and admire him, others want to lynch him. This couch likes him. Very much. Will inevitably be mayor of Manchester one day, and you know where they can lead. Rating: 8/10
