It was a whole 11 years ago that Arsenal received a mountain of stick for opting to fly rather than travel by road or rail to Norwich for their Premier League game there that season. “It is absolutely absurd, they must have spent more time getting on and off the plane than in the air,” said Friends of the Earth at the time. They probably did too – the flight took 14 minutes.
Three years later they were in trouble again for travelling to Norwich in precisely the same manner. “I’m a lifelong Gooner so I’m used to being occasionally embarrassed by my team, but I prefer them to wait until after kick-off before humiliating their supporters,” said Ella Gilbert, spokesperson for Plane Stupid (the anti-aviation expansion group).
Has that 14-minute record ever been broken by a team or individual player? Well, it seemed so last week. According to the bulk of the English press, Everton’s Arnaut Danjuma has been taking eight – eight! – minute flights from Manchester to Liverpool for training.
“Shocked fans reacted with absolute disbelief upon hearing about Danjuma’s commute,” reported one particular outlet. “Everton manager Sean Dyche revealed he had a sit-down with the winger to address this bizarre travel arrangement.”
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“I had a word with him, it seems excessive ... personally I would use a car, but that’s the modern player,” said Dyche. But? (And it was a big one). He was jesting. There has been no end of speculation about Danjuma, on loan from Villarreal, moving on, so Dyche was having a chuckle about him going to and fro to Manchester airport waiting for a flight to a new destination. And now Arnaut has been incorrectly labelled as football’s worst emission-spewer. The injustice.
QUOTE
“First half was boring, I’d rather watch frigging Antiques Roadshow than that. No offence to anyone who likes Antiques Roadshow.”
Troy Deeney offending a sizeable percentage of the population with his verdict on the performance of his bottom-of-League-Two side Forest Green in their latest defeat.
NUMBER: 103
The number of Premier League assists Kevin De Bruyne now has after that peach on Saturday – he’s level with Wayne Rooney with only Cesc Fabregas (111) and Ryan Giggs (162!) ahead of him.
Trouble at Napoli between star forwards
Feud of the week: We’ll go with the one that kicked off between Napoli’s much coveted striker Victor Osimhen and Mamuka Jugeli, the agent of Osimhen’s team-mate Khvicha Kvaratskhelia. Asked whether he thought Osimhen would still be at Napoli next season, Jugeli had his doubts. “I’ll tell you in advance, Osimhen will go to Saudi Arabia next summer,” he said. “Kvicha wouldn’t accept such a transfer even for a billion. He would prefer to play for Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Barcelona or maybe Manchester City, he has different goals and preferences.”
How peeved was Osimhen about the implication that he was only interested in loot? Quite a bit. “Dear Mamuka Jugeli, you are a piece of filth and a disgrace,” he wrote on Instagram. “I’m embarrassed at your sense of reasoning. Dumb f**k! KEEP MY NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.”
It might be safe to assume that if Osimhen does indeed move to Saudi Arabia, he won’t be using Jugeli to negotiate the deal.
WORD OF MOUTH
“The Roma fans are the most incredible I have seen. Their coach is Jose ‘Harry Potter’ Mourinho and he raises expectations.”
Yes, Jose.
“What do I miss most? Going to buy bread at the bakery, I’d pay so much money now to be able to do this kind of thing. I’ve lost spontaneity, the spontaneity of being a human being.”
Kylian Mbappé down in the dumps about fame preventing him from going out and buying a sliced pan.
“My ideal Motherwell investor would be Taylor Swift. She could come and give concerts here before a game. When she visits she will get a seat in the directors’ box and a wee pie.”
Motherwell chairman Jim McMahon making Taylor an offer she surely can’t refuse?
MORE WORD OF MOUTH
“He can leave whenever he wants. He is master of his future, he has earned this status. If a team came and he wanted to leave, we would say thank you and goodbye. I assure you that if he were to receive an offer from Bayern Munich, I would drive him to Germany. And the president would pack his bags.”
Girona chairman Pere Guardiola (brother of Pep) insisting that he’s so grateful to coach Míchel Sánchez for his work at the club, he wouldn’t block his departure if a giant made him an offer.
“I hope he leaves. I think he is stagnating. I find him predictable in his duels, he lacks strength and character. His attitude, with his arms raised every day, sends something negative. He wanted to be the team leader but he is a small child, that the suit is too big for him. I’m sick of it.”
Former French international Christophe Dugarry would quite like Kylian Mbappé to pack his bags and depart Paris. Pronto.
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