Planet Soccer

A round-up of other soccer news in brief...

Quotes of the week

"If United have more points, it only means they have more points, that's all, nothing else."– Rafa Benitez warmly congratulates Alex Ferguson on his title triumph.

"Arsenal Ladies have won the league – credit to them for showing more balls than their male counterparts."– Eh, nice tribute Tony Cascarino.

"You shouldn't put diesel in a Ferrari."– Harry Redknapp on boozing footballers. Nor, when you think of some of these fellas' abilities, should you put champagne in a banger.

"We must buy in the summer. Not more potential, but players who are ready to do it now. Players like me."– Arsenal's Andrey Arshavin gives Arsene Wenger some modest transfer advice.

"When I joined I never thought they were in danger of relegation. I was sold a club that would challenge in the top half with a good chance of doing well in the cups."– Fabricio Coloccini seemed to think he was joining Chelsea last summer, not Newcastle.

"They are two very good players, but completely different: Van Gogh and Chagall. There is no way you can compare them."– Jose Mourinho gets all arty when asked if he prefers Didier Drogba or Diego Milito.

Kamara's tale of the unexpected  

THE “AH, bless” story of the week? Take a bow, Huddersfield Town’s Malvin Kamara. What film do you think he watches to get him fired up before games? Rocky? The Guns of Navarone? Apocalypse Now? Nope.

“I have to watch Willy Wonka before every game. It really gets me in the right mood for what lies ahead. It’s been my favourite film since I was little. I’ve got it on DVD and it calms my nerves.”

Aw.

Sending out wrong message

MOST INAPPROPRIATE shirt sponsor for next season? That award goes to Etihad Airways, the carrier airline of Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, who will sponsor Manchester City.

The deal was actually done a few months ago but photos of the new shirt leaked out last week and there it is, “Etihad” emblazoned across the middle.

And what is “Etihad” the Arabic word for?

Yup, United.

More quotes  of the week  

"It's all Ancelotti's fault because with the players we have we could have easily gone head to head with Inter. Lots of times this season we have made tactical mistakes . . . if we lose the title then it is all down to Ancelotti."– Silvio Berlusconi gives AC Milan coach Carlo a rousing vote of confidence.

"On comes Aliadiere, a striker who's brought more syllables than goals to Middlesbrough this year."– The Setanta commentator during the Newcastle v Middlesbrough game last week. True enough, Aliadiere has two league goals this season. (Thanks Brian).

"I spoke with Tevez on the phone and the first thing he said to me was 'That old man doesn't like me'."– Maradona helpfully enters the Tevez/Alex Ferguson negotiations.

"I don't think it was simulation, I think he just fell over."– West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola defends David Di Michele against diving allegations. Sort of.

Arshavin drives women mad

THE REAL star, we reckoned, of the interview with Andrey Arshavin in the Daily Mail last week was Katya, the Arsenal man’s interpreter. When the conversation turned to his famed views on women drivers, Kayta, presumably with a straight face, had the job of relaying his thoughts on the issue to Martin Samuel: “I would never give driving lessons to women. We need to build new roads for them. Why? Because you never know what to expect from a woman on the road. If you see a car behaving weirdly, swerving and doing strange things, before you see the driver you know it is a woman. It is always a woman.”

Samuel was a touch taken aback by the remarks and offered Arshavin the chance to “retract, or at least clarify” them, but instead he chose “to stand by every word and add a few more”. “Russia can be a very chauvinistic society,” Katya explained to the reporter. “There is a saying: A chicken is not a bird, and a woman is not a person . . . we do not mind. If you said that to a Russian woman, she would laugh.”

What Samuel didn’t tell us, though, was who chauffeured Arshavin home after the interview. We hope it was Katya, and we hope she handbrake-turned him all the way back to north London.

Pavlyuchenko plays the clown

FOOTBALLERS, AS you know, are trend-setting fashion icons but few, you have to assume, could match the magnificence of Roman Pavlyuchenko’s latest purchase: a white Dolce Gabbana suit “with images of tigers on it”.

“It’s really bright and out of the ordinary,” said the Spurs man, and we’re inclined to believe him.

“I wore it to training and there was a real fuss. Jonathan Woodgate put on my trousers and started jumping around the dressingroom, asking: ‘Do I look like a clown?’

“To which I replied: ‘No, you look like someone who has never worn Dolce Gabbana in his life. Now go and put your ****ing torn jeans on.’ It was very entertaining.” Indeed.