MARY HANNIGAN's sideways look at the world of soccer
Don't go ordering a shiny new green, white and gold hammer
“WORLD CUP 2010: Sepp Blatter Accepts Ireland As 33rd Team – Irish Eyes Are Smiling After Landmark Ruling,” read the headline on Goal.com last Thursday. If it wasn’t for the day that was in it and the name of the reporter, Amadan Aibrean, we’d have ordered a shiny new green, white and gold inflatable hammer.
The gist was that Bono (right) led an Irish delegation, which included FAI chief executive John Delaney, to meet with Blatter and offered him “sackfuls of money” in exchange for allowing Ireland compete in South Africa. Blatter accepted the offer – but only on condition that U2 agreed never to make another record.
“Further requests from the Irish to have Thierry Henry tarred and feathered and made to recite ‘I’m a cheat, I’m a cheat, I should only use my feet’ while doing the chicken dance in Dublin city centre are said to be ‘under consideration’ by the world governing body,” the report concluded.
Ha, good one, but if an April Fool’s joke is going to work it really has to be semi-plausible and this was hardly . . . oh, wait. “R u serious,” asked Brian in Melbourne in the comments section. “How on earth can Fifa allow this! What a disgrace to the game! When I told this news to my dad he was just as shocked as me!!!”
“This is bad for football,” said Cygo in Ghana. “And it will be inhuman to ask Henry to do such a thing.” Mark in Zambia agreed. “Making Henry dance like a chicken, I am a cheat, I am cheat, will be very unhuman.”
“How are they gonna play now? This is very complicated,” said Anon in Kosova, but Emmanuel in Nigeria didn’t care about the practicalities, he was just thrilled. “This is unbelievable,” he said. “This shows that anything is possible. I would like to congratulate the FA of Ireland on a fight well fought. This is definitely historical.”
“Yessss! Henry here the Irish comes! Now am gonna support the Irish,” said a nice man from Mauritius, while Ahmed in Kurdistan was no less pleased. “Am happy for Ireland congratulation.”
AA in Jordan, though, was a bit suspicious. “This article seems a bit fishy . . . someone seems to have hacked goal.com,” he said.
Steven in England was sceptical too: “I’m pretty sure this is an April Fool’s joke. It certainly seems a little farfetched for me.” “Hehe,” said Erni in Poland, “Good one! But it’s quite harsh towards Irish feelings. Of course if any stupid and naive Islander believes it.”
Cough. Another Anon agreed: “Not real funny as poor Irish people would be doing cartwheels today.”
Meanwhile, a still incensed Brian in Melbourne, was trying to figure out how Fifa would make this work. “Maybe one group of five or Italy get an automatic place in the next round as they are the champions, so then Ireland take their place in their group. Should be interesting when they announce how it’s going two work.” It should indeed.
It's hard for Saint Niall to drop habits of many years
NIALL QUINN, you’d have to say, has demonstrated the patience of a saint over the years as he was asked, in just about every interview he’s given, about his relationship with Roy Keane. First he was probed on the Saipan business, then his dealings with Keane when he was manager of Sunderland, then his feelings about his former team-mate after he left the club. On and on and on.
Happily, though, it seems like the issue has finally been archived, bygones are bygones, and everyone’s moved on. Quinn, then, can just get on with his job as Sunderland chairman, like, for example, when he was out and about in the area recently, first visiting a newly opened children’s playground.
He then dropped in to a convent in Tunstall to take flowers to a Sunderland-supporting nun who was celebrating her 100th birthday. “She left Cork for Sunderland in 1925,” Quinn told the Daily Mail. “Can you imagine?”
He then started laughing. “You know the first thing she asked me? “What’d you do to that poor Roy Keane?”
People from Cork!
Not quite quote of the week but still quite good . . .
“I am very happy at Inter. I am not happy in Italian football – because I don’t like it and they don’t like me. Simple.”
- Jose Mourinho issues yet another come-and-get-me plea to Real Madrid/Manchester City/Liverpool, etc, etc.
"I'm livid and pissed off. It is outrageous and irresponsible to have played him so early after injury. He better be fit for the World Cup."
- French coach Raymond Domenech a touch aggrieved with Arsene Wenger for playing William Gallas against Barcelona last week.
"I spent everything I earned on satellite dishes, but mine got stolen every week. It wasn't until the fourth time it happened that the police discovered the dishes were being stolen by the same people fitting them in the first place."
- Barcelona's Gerard Pique reminiscing fondly on his time in Manchester.
"Are we good enough to reach Wembley? Can I grow a wig and dance in high heels? Of course we are." - Blackpool manager Ian 'Tina Turner' Holloway confident his team can make the play-offs.
Bristol City's Gerken has had his bellyful of the banter
NOT KNOWING him personally, we can’t be certain that Bristol City goalkeeper Dean Gerken’s life is as miserable as we fear it is, but there must surely be only so much he can take of folk making endless puntastic references to his name – and believing they are the first to ever do it.
Last week, for example, we saw mention on the BBC’s football website of Crystal Palace fans chanting “Does your burger know you’re here?” at the poor fella in a recent game, adding to earlier efforts such as “Small nasty pickle, you’re just a small nasty pickle”, “Liked in McDonalds, you’re not even liked in McDonalds” and “You should have stayed in a burger”. Not to mention: “Your dad is a cucumber, oh your dad is a cucumber”.
It’s probably even reached the point where young Dean avoids reading the headlines after he’s had a blinder. As Sky Sports’ Jeff Stelling has a habit of declaring: “Gerken leaves (insert opponents’ name) in a pickle.”
Number of the week 560
THAT’S HOW many Euro you’d pay for a pair of Paul Mariner’s Giorgio Armani glasses, as recently modelled by the Plymouth manager on a visit to Ipswich Town – where, of course, he was a bit of a legend in his playing days. After the game he was besieged by fans looking for autographs and souvenirs and Mariner, very generously, gave one 15-year-old his jacket. Yep, it was only when the young lad disappeared that Mariner remembered the glasses were, well, in the pocket. Happily, Jaz Haynes returned them after his father heard an appeal on BBC Radio Suffolk. Was Jaz impressed with the designer specs? “I just thought they were normal glasses,” he, eh, gushed.
