Planet Football

Today's other stories in brief

Spelling out disaster

You might have heard about the uproar at Sky Sports over an unfortunate contribution to their Goals on Sunday programme by Derby goalkeeper Stephen Bywater when he didn't actually utter an obscenity, he chose instead to spell it out.

Speaking about the influence the late Les Sealey, his goalkeeping coach at West Ham, had on his career Bywater said: "He told me to be a good professional . . . and not to act like a . . . ****."

According to the Daily Mail Sky boss Vic Wakeling was livid with presenters Chris Kamara and Clare Tomlinson for not apologising immediately to the viewers - instead they sat there looking a touch gobsmacked, before moving along swiftly - and with the programme's producers for not instructing the pair to, eh, express regret for Bywater's choice of words.

There is even a possibility now that "heads might roll on and off the screen" following the incident, which is leaving us fretting over Kamara's future - frankly, any man who can declare "it's real end-to-end stuff, but unfortunately it's all up at Forest's end" and "Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin" should have a job for life.

Paul Merson, meanwhile, must be wondering why no one's apologising to him. A caller to You're On Sky Sports described the pundit extraordinaire as a "degenerate crackhead", and divil a word was said. Poor Merse.

Warnock's nut cracker

Speaking of slip-ups on football TV - here's a memorable exchange from last week's Match of the Day 2 on BBC2.

Adrian Chiles: "Do you miss being a manager?"

Neil Warnock: "I don't miss that nut-wrenching feeling you get on a Saturday morning before a match."

Chiles: "Don't you mean 'gut-wrenching'?"

Warnock: "Eh, yes."

Quotes of the week

"He's literally in a 'no-win' situation . . . unless he wins."

- Former England supremo Graham Taylor, as heard by a befuddled Football 365, on Chelsea's Avram Grant.

"Any team can beat any other in this league and just to prove it there were seven draws yesterday."

- A quite magnificent snippet of punditry from Sky Sports' Don Goodman.

"The big thing about Newcastle is there is only Newcastle in Newcastle."

- Joey Barton, getting familiar with new home after his move to the north-east.

"I was never tempted to become a punk. I was Sidney Serious, I was into George Benson. I was smooth. Smooth as a cashmere codpiece."

- Sometimes Ian Holloway puts us right off our Sunday lunch.

"I'm the most hated man in Scotland. I'm going to have to leave the country over this. I can't believe what I've done. It was just the emotions of the night and the booze. I tried to pat Dida on the shoulder and said, 'Unlucky Dida'."

- Robert McHendry, the Parkhead pitch invader, the morning after the night before.

"We have to believe we can get something on Sunday. In a two-horse race, you have to believe. Arsenal might get stuck on the tube."

- Roy Keane before yesterday's game at the Emirates - hats off, Sunderland nearly derailed them too.

"There is always a strange atmosphere over here. It's darker, less glamorous. You don't feel on a high when you come to Eastern Europe."

- Arsene Wenger enjoying in his few days in Bucharest last week.

Cultured French existence

Even if you're a fully paid up member of ABBA (Anyone But Bloody Arsenal) you have to admit their brand of football this weather is the equivalent of a chocolate brownie smothered in custard - delectable. And, to be honest, few talk about the game with quite the same panache as Arsene Wenger, eg "I take pride in the fact that people go home having felt that for one and a half hours life is beautiful - and that's it, basically, that's why professional football exists." How sublime is that?

We did, then, have a quiet chuckle yesterday when we read Sam Allardyce on his hobbyhorse yet again, complaining about non-natives getting the big jobs in English football.

"None of the foreign coaches or managers are any better than what comes through this country," he declared.

Hmm, Arsene Wenger v Sam Allardyce? It's a toughie.

More quotes of the week

"I'm a realist and I understand that you don't get dozens of chances in a game. But I'm planning to score 15-20 goals in the Premier League this season."

- Andriy Shevchenko has Chelsea fans rolling in the aisles.

"I'm not someone to fear things. They say in Holland 'have no fear, Jolly is here'."

- Spurs manager Martin 'don't worry, be happy' Jol.

"Sanchez told us to hit long balls and pick up rebounds. He wanted us to play like Neanderthals. But I am not a Neanderthal man. I told him I could not continue."

- Birmingham City's Franck Queudrue on his former boss at Fulham, Lawrie "Caveman" Sanchez.

"It's not a problem, in four or five days I will be beautiful once again."

- Cristiano Ronaldo after suffering a gash above his right eye against Roma. We sense he wasn't joking.

"With this squad we have more of an opportunity to win all three competitions . . . it is a great squad now, it is not just about Cristiano but 20 fantastic players."

- Yep, you guessed it, Cristiano (Ronaldo).

"I want to stay with Barcelona - that is my wish, that is the wish of Ronaldinho."

- And Ronaldinho catches the 'refer to myself in the third person' bug.

City get lost in translation

In an effort to ensure that nothing is lost in translation and that communications run smoothly at Manchester City Sven-Goran Eriksson announced last week that "the players are all having English lessons because that is important and will improve things on and off the pitch".

Fair enough, with 15 different nationalities in his squad the lessons sound like a sensible move, but we noticed in the Daily Mirror that under the heading "Sven's Foreign Legion" they included Richard Dunne.

Granted, he's not English, but does this mean Dunne and Stephen Ireland will be joining Rolando Bianchi, Vedran Corluka and Co in the classroom? Harsh.