Ossie reveals his secret to success - the ball was his 'lubber'

ON THE COUCH:Ossie Ardiles is fast approaching legendary status as he weaves his magic on RTÉ, writes MARY HANNIGAN

DAY 13. Too many highlights so far to mention, but it’ll be hard to top Ossie Ardiles’ concern that Argentina’s defence would be their “Achilles tendon” when they come up against stiffer opposition. He’s not the first football man, mind you, to muddle his body parts; it was David O’Leary, after all, who once complained that Aston Villa’s inability to defend set-pieces was “the Achilles’ heel that has been stabbing us in the back”.

Ossie’s contributions to the RTÉ panel are now approaching legendary status, and by the time he’s done you can be sure there’ll be nothing you don’t know about South American football.

For example, we now understand why the ball appeared to be an extension of Ossie’s foot in his rather splendid playing days.

“The ball was my lubber, I went to bed with it, it was everything,” he explained. John Giles and Graeme Souness said nothing, certainly not “the ball was my lubber”. Both men, no doubt, loved the roundy thing, but just not that much.

Steven Gerrard, rest assured, lubs the ball too, but having been stuck out on the left by Fabio Capello he just hasn’t seen a whole lot of it.

And you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Stevie has, evidently, been pining for a more central role.

Well, Gary Lineker had good news for the English nation yesterday, telling them the BBC’s sources had reliably informed him Stevie would be playing through the middle against Slovenia, “at the head of the diamond”.

Gary, the two Als, Hansen and Shearer, and Lee Dixon then based their entire pre-match analysis on their source’s disclosure, which was unfortunate because the information was thoroughly incorrect.

Roy Hodgson tried to warn them, insisting Stevie would, most probably, play on the left, but Lee Dixon hoped, trusted and prayed he was wrong.

“If he’s playing on the left today we should all pack up and go home,” he sighed.

Match time. Stevie on the left. Lee dusting down his rucksack. But wait, goal. England. Up and running?

Half-time. Fantasy World Cup Punditry, all of them in the one studio. Ready?

Hansen: “Once England got the goal the confidence levels surged, they were excellent.”

Eamon Dunphy: “They just didn’t grow in confidence at all after the goal.”

Lineker: “The goal really settled them, didn’t it? They pushed on from there.”

Ronnie Whelan: “You’d think they’d have kicked on from when they scored, but they actually got worse.”

Roy: “England’s crossing has been absolutely outstanding.”

Giles: “Some of the crossing was just awful.”

Shearer: “Rooney looks more confident, he’s getting around the pitch a lot better.”

Dunphy: “It’s shocking to see Rooney so subdued, he’s been reduced to a shivering wreck.”

Shearer: “They look much more comfortable on the ball, they’re passing it with a purpose, with pace, they’re closing down – a much better performance, it’s encouraging.”

Giles: “They’re much better than they have been, but they couldn’t have been worse.”

No arguments, then. Second half. England held on. Full-time. Ready?

Lee Dixon: “A great performance.”

Dunphy: “Shocking . . . absolutely incredibly bad . . . pretty awful stuff.”

Hansen: “The commitment was there, the spirit was there, the enterprise was there, the creativity was there, they passed it better – they could have scored five or six quite easily. Capello will obviously be delighted with the performance.”

Giles: “If that’s the shackles off what’ll they be like when the shackles are back on?”

’Arry Redknapp: “We played with pace, we got after them, we pressed them, there wasn’t a weakness in the team.”

Dunphy: “They were astonishingly poor.”

Lineker: “He looked more like the Rooney we know.”

Ronnie: “Rooney is a major worry, his form, his body language, his demeanour, everything.”

Dixon: “Gerrard was outstanding.”

Dunphy: “I can’t believe how bad Gerrard was today.”

’Arry: “Across midfield we were top drawer.”

Giles: “Barry got worse as the game went on, Milner, Gerrard and Lampard the same.”

’Arry: “Bring it on! Whoever we play we’ll be difficult to beat.”

Ronnie: “If they don’t improve they’ll go straight out, it was a very, very inept performance.”

The consensus ended, though, when Capello appeared on our screens for a chat with Gabby Logan.

The BBC was euphoric about Fabio’s euphoria, but Giles reckoned he was just spoofin’. “It wasn’t exactly the most probing interview,” said Darragh Moloney. “Well she seems a very attractive girl – maybe that’s why she’s doing the interview, she was doing a good bit of creeping there,” said Gilesie. Next time he meets his former Leeds team-mate Terry Yorath – that’d be Gabby’s Da – he should bring a gumshield.

Germany v Ghana v Australia v Serbia. Okay, hands up, we missed most of the games. But how often do you get a tennis match that appears intent on never ending? The tennis ball was John Isner and Nicolas Mahut’s lubber, they just never wanted to say goodbye.