We all read about the Ivory Coast's problems last week, when their players were detained in a military camp following their elimination from the African Nations' Cup, but spare a thought, too, for the Zambia team, who went into hiding after they were knocked out at the first-round stage. Sympathy from home? Nope.

"The patient's immune system has collapsed, he appears to have developed full-blown AIDS (Alarming Inability to Defend and Score)," wrote Gerald Mulwana, the sports editor of the Zambia Times, after the match. A highly sensitive post-tournament analysis it was too, in light of the fact that one in five of the population of Zambia, between the ages of 19 and 49, are HIV positive.