ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

"SOMETHING strange in the air: scatological joke revolted Luxa," read the (not too expertly) translated headline on Globo Esportelast week.

Further investigation revealed that Vanderlei Luxemburgo, the former Brazil coach who's now in charge of Flamengo, was not best pleased when one of his players made, well, a rude noise while he was speaking to the squad during training.

"A distinctive noise was heard, someone had let loose a loud bang," said Globo Esporte. "The firecracker provoked laughter from some players, but left Luxembourgo annoyed,"

"This is a lack of respect," Luxemburgo shouted, demanding to know who had polluted the air. No one owned up, so he said he was going to his office and would not return until someone confessed.

"It was like a high school scene," a (wisely) unnamed player told the paper. "Renato led the conversation with the group, but the culprit was not found and the case remains unsolved. As much as it may seem unusual, the event left a tense atmosphere."

Perhaps trying to, well, calm the situation, Globo Esporteheld a poll asking its readers who they thought was the gas man. (We're not making this up). Just under 50,000 people participated, striker Deivid topping the poll with 34 per cent of the vote.

What's in a name: Gunners lose their head over hat shop

THERE were lots of cruel headlines last week about Arsenal finally picking up their first win of the season, and they weren't referring to Saturday's triumph over Swansea either. The first victory actually came in Spain where, bizarrely enough, the club took on the owner of a hat shop in Seville because she'd named it Arsenale. Seriously.

Alicia Simon opened the shop in 2007 and since then Arsenal's legal eagles have been claiming its name was a trademark infringement.

Alicia was more than a little baffled, not least because she chose the name as a reference to Seville's old shipyards, and insisted that, no, she had not named a hat shop in Seville after a football club in north London.

Arsenal wouldn't give up, though, and last week the Spanish Patent and Trademark Office agreed that there could be 'a risk of confusion' between the two enterprises and, so, Alicia has been ordered to change the name of her shop.

She's not surrendering, though, insisting that she will appeal, even though she feels it's a David v Goliath type battle. Mind you, if they defend their case like they defended at Old Trafford, Alicia will be Goliath.

He's one hell of a Gunner: Wenger plans for afterlife

"In my job, you expect to suffer. That's why when I go to hell one day it will be less painful for me than you, because I'm used to suffering."

– Arsene Wenger, still taking the happy pills.

"It's just one of those things, you just have to think 'at least I was there to miss it'."

– Wales' Robert Earnshaw looks on the positive side of his open goal miss against England.

"I want to throw myself into it, I want to learn the language. I did it for five years at school and came out with just 'bonjour' and 'au revoir'."

– New Lille recruit Joe Cole hoping for lengthier chats than "hello, goodbye" during his spell with the club.

"The price on the open market wouldn't have been €29 million but he lowered his value by saying that he really wanted to go to Barcelona. His real price was what Arsenal initially asked – at least €60 million."

– Barcelona vice-president Josep Maria Bartomeu on the bargain that was Cesc Fabregas.

"We're giving out caps like confetti."

– Paul Ince pays tribute to Fabio Capello's eagerness to inject new blood in to the England team.

“ We receive phone calls, even from places which are at war at the moment. It was important to wait because a week later, it goes ‘boom, boom, boom’. We were very lucky.”

– Giovanni Trapattoni revealing that he had another job offer recently – possibly from, eh, Libya.