Lawrenson king of the one-liner

Send in the clowns. That was the message from television executives with the terrestrial channels this week. Far from spicing up their comedic flagships, the men in suits targeted sport. Too much analysis, too much football-speak, not enough rib-tickling, belly-aching satire to water down the serious business of sport - or more precisely soccer.

That old chestnut about sport and politics not mixing can be extended to soccer and comedy, an assertion vindicated by the comedic trials and tribulations associated with sports coverage on Network 2, BBC1 and UTV this week. It wasn't simply a malaise that struck down pundits, it also afflicted participants.

Sadly, following seven days of wishing that someone would introduce a viewers' shepherd's crook for terminally unfunny presenters on terrestrial television, it may now be too late. The virus innocently surfaced last Tuesday afternoon. No one could possibly think that watching Leeds United play football is funny. Under the shrewd guidance of David "it's not about me it's about the players, I'm so proud of them" O'Leary Leeds play attractive, entertaining football, without actually scoring as often as they should (come back Jimmy Floyd). Anyway, a UEFA Cup clash with Partisan Belgrade in a tiny Dutch hamlet hardly seems the raw material for a studio laugh-in.

However nobody - that is neither Alan Hansen nor Mark Lawrenson - had seen Partisan goalkeeper Nikola Danjanac play before. The first 45 minutes provided for plenty of half-time chuckles among the two former Liverpool greats with regard to Danjanac's performance. Now if Hansen has said it once, he's said it a thousand times: "Ye canna defend with a goalkeeper like that. He's dreadful, all over the place. It's a disgrace".

The interval chuckling gave way to belly laughter by the final whistle, Leeds's third goal in a 3-1 victory offering an impromptu contest between Hansen and Lawrenson as to who could conjure the funniest putdown for the hapless net-minder. Both gave 100 per cent commitment, worked hard and tracked back for some old jokes, but it was the former Irish international who deservedly received the ultimate accolade.

His assertion that the goalkeeper "was going back into hospital to have his hands stitched on" in reviewing the third goal brought smiles all round. Well, look you had to be there. Danjanac's antics were deservedly pilloried and he did offer some fine comedic moments, an accusation that certainly couldn't be thrown at Barry Murphy, Network 2's studio anchor for the Manchester United-Croatia Zagreb match.

Better known for his excellent send-up of Frank Stapleton, Murphy was inexplicably thrust alongside Joe Kinnear to provide the pre- and post-match discussion. Would he be serious, would he be funny? Sadly he was neither. While former Wimbledon boss Kinnear offered his expectations and interpretations, Murphy floundered in his new role.

It was excruciating to watch as Murphy trotted out a set of hollow, closing-time observations. It was like trying to play Hamlet for laughs. Kinnear looked on warily, aping the reaction of most of the viewers at home. The format does not lend itself to Murphy's talent, the vehicle a clapped-out banger compared to the polished incisiveness and articulate discussion that followed on the Wednesday night when Bill O'Herlihy, Liam Brady and Eamon Dunphy dissected the Chelsea match.

Immediately preceding Wednesday's European Champions League action was a half-hour interview on RTE 1 with Alex Ferguson. For those who had not read the Manchester United manager's autobiography, it offered an interesting insight into several issues, also outlining Ferguson's thoughts on Roy Keane and Denis Irwin.

The format whereby the questions of interviewer Denis Walsh were not heard, coupled with the frequent close-ups of the subject offered a tauter, more cinematic feel without contrived over-indulgence. For those who have read the book, the programme provided precious little extra insight, but they are likely to have been in a minority.

Des Lynam's debut on ITV as studio anchor for the Chelsea match, a multi-million pound transfer from Auntie, simply confirmed the coup that ITV had enjoyed. Lynam refused to allow former England manager Terry Venables to witter away on tangents, pinning him down to specifics.

Sadly, Wednesday night's viewing also included the absolutely dreadful Nick Hancock's World of Sport, comfortably the worst sports programme of the week. Hancock's wooden, automated delivery behind a dreadfully unfunny voiceover of sporting cock-ups and the compulsory canned laughter - one or two of the live audience occasionally joined in - was cringe-inducing.

Juvenile, at times crass observations undermined video clips that lacked impact in the first place. Not so much a case of "they think it's all over" as "we wish it was all over". Fortunately this does not appear to be a regular slot according to the listings.

And so on to the final and definitely superior mix of sport (soccer) and comedy of the week. Mark Lawrenson must once again take a bow. When asked to comment (Foot- ball Focus) on Rangers's disappointing performance in the Champions League, the former Irish star paused as if weighing up his options.

Almost reluctantly he ventured: "What have Rangers and the eclipse got in common?" before adding: "They both last two minutes in Europe". The next 30 seconds were spent trying to placate the Rangers faithful who would have tuned into the show. In the television land of the unfunny, the man with the best one-liner is king.