Donkey delivers the final insult

Anyone got a spare Rennie? Spent the last hour eating me woolly hat and me indigestion's something desperate. Really shouldn't have promised to eat it but I felt confident that there was a better chance of Kevin Keegan offering an insightful intelligent co-commentary on the final than there was of France winning it.

And Emmanuel Petit rubbed salt in to the already gaping wounds of humiliation in the final minutes when he scored France's third goal. Hands up who laughed and "hee-hawed" when they first saw him play for Arsenal? And hands up who turned scarlet when they watched him collecting his World Cup winner's medal, to add to his Premiership and FA Cup gongs? Mmm, me too. As for the deposed World Champions? Remember last season, when Barnsley fans sang `it's just like watching Brazil'? Well, last night it was just like watching Barnsley, only Barnsley tend to defend better. The build-up to the final had been quite extraordinary. Bizarre, unbelievable, grotesque and unprecedented, in fact. BUGU, in other words. (Or should that be GUBU, never mind). Chaos reigned. Rumours, counter-rumours, counter-counter rumours and more rumours. He was, we were told, furiously insisting that he was fit to play on, even though initial reports suggested otherwise. Des Lynam looked flummoxed. Alan Hansen looked aggravated. Martin O'Neill was very nearly speechless, but not quite.

Even now we're none the wiser. Despite being promised this was Jimmy Hill's last World Cup, it sounds awfully like he has no plans to hang up his chin. "I haven't even thought about retiring, I still feel I have something to offer," he announced/threatened. "Well, it's bizarre, isn't it," sighed Trevor Brooking. "I have never heard anything like it," squealed a red-faced John Motson. Actually, they were talking about the pre-match will-he-won't-he-play hullabaloo that surrounded Ronaldo, an infinitely less serious issue in footballing terms. "Brazil would be worry about zis game now," Daveed Ginola said, grinning, when he thought Ronaldo was out, his name having being left off the team sheet. The gloss faded out from off his face and his shinee hair when he learnt he was in, but he needn't have worried - Ronaldo was about as fit as those of us who haven't left our armchairs for the past five weeks.

While all this Ronaldo business was going on, ITV were still in the Rovers' Return, where Vera Duckworth was sharing her views on the striker. Some would say that, compared to Bobby Robson, Vera Duckworth is a much . . . no, no, that's unkind.

"Welcome to the last World Cup match of the century," said Motty. "Welcome to the biggest sporting jamboree of them all," said the definitely retiring Brian Moore. "Bienvenue au Stade de France for the most momentous of occasions," said George Hamilton who, unlike his commentating rivals, had at least picked up a few French mots on his holiers.

And then Zidane scored. And scored again. "Well, who would have believed it," said a stunned Bill O'Herlihy at half-time. "I francy Fance now Bill," Johnny Giles was very close to saying, before rescuing himself after the `francy' bit. And then the Arsenal donkey scored. And Daveed got all emotional. "Nobody can speak anymore that French football is blah, blah, blah, blah," he said. "Thank you Daveed, I'm sure you speak for every French man," said Motty, who stressed the `French' bit.

RTE finished their excellent coverage with the Apres Match lads (please, please, please, give them their own series); the BBC finished with Des reciting Kipling over a magnificent montage of World Cup memories and UTV finished with another Vauxhall ad. Say no more. Only 1460 shopping days to the 2002 World Cup. Can't wait. Now for some fresh air.