Dismember'd with thine own defence

Day Three and Tony Adams was psyching up the England lads for the Portugal game with quotes from Shakespeare, according to Sky News. 'Enry V, to be exact, or 'Enry VIII, as Kevin Keegan thought it was. As if four sequels to the original 'Enry weren't enough.

If it's interesting quirky Euro 2000 stories of this nature that you're after then Sky's your only man. The channel, of course, doesn't have the rights to show us any Euro 2000 action but as an ad they're currently running says, "football is so much more than just the game" (which, funnily enough, is never what they say about Premiership football and their exclusive live coverage of it, which is exclusive).

Mind you, ITV and the BBC, still protected by the Crown Jewels Clause in the Sport On Telly Constitution, aren't slow to pad out their coverage of the tournament with not very interesting tit-bits of news. Yesterday's lunchtime news on ITV, for example, included an interview with Alan Smart of the National Grid. These are the people who are only let out of their underground bunkers once at the start of every World Cup and European Championship to tell us we all make cups of tea at half-time in big games.

Beaten to that exclusive, the BBC One O'Clock News had to make do with a chat with Rein Welschen, the mayor of Eindhoven, who paid tribute to the English ahead of the big game by telling the reporter that "you are wonderful drinkers". His town meant no offence, he said, by insisting that only low alcohol beer would be sold to the English fans, an idea that would later result in many of Kev's Army being able to remember their names at kick-off for the first time in their football-supporting careers.

Germany v Romania. After 20 minutes it was clear: rumours of the Germans' demise were entirely well founded. They didn't help themselves by opting for a 0-1-9 formation which, while entertaining for the crowd and us at home, left Oliver Kahn a little exposed (although having the biggest gloves in world football helped him no end), nor by playing Walter Matthau as sweeper. "You just can't write the Germans off," insisted Trev Brooking, after just writing them off. And then they equalised. Like they normally do, when television pundits write them off.

At half-time Alan Hansen struggled for words to describe the German defensive display (in particular the role played in the lack of it by Lothar Matthaus, as he called Walter), but he gave it a go.

"First five minutes I thought `it's shocking'; after 10 I'm thinking `it's a shambles', after 25 `I'm watching a pub team'." Not impressed, then. "He does well for 39 years of age," said a more sympathetic Davo Leary of Walter, striking a blow for old folk the world over, but that only resulted in Martin O'Neill having a go at him and Davo was sorry he spoke.

Over on RTE Eamon Dunphy and Chippy Brady, having been freed from captivity by Dublin Fire Brigade from their gargantuan armchairs of the night before, were falling out over the non-award of a penalty to Romania in the first half, when poor Ilie was hacked down in the box/when cheatin' Ilie dived (delete where necessary and season according to taste).

England v Portugal. Scholes? Goal. McManaman? Goal. England? Two up. Then Luis Figo scored and Adams could be heard asking, "O David Seaman, David Seaman! Wherefore were thou David Seaman when that noblest of Portuguese lads thrust forward and buried the ball in the back of thine net?" Then Joao Pinto equalised. "And thou dismember'd with thine own defence," Tone muttered at Sol Campbell, who had let little Joao beat him to the ball in the air.

Triffic game, as Kev would put it, rousing stuff, but you knew, just knew, that it was all over for England when Big Ron Atkinson declared: "Nuno Gomes isn't a goal threat". Portugal won 3-2. Who scored the winner? Need you ask?

("Once more into the breach," said Tone, looking forward to playing Germany on Saturday already, if the surgeons can remove the copy of 'Enry V which Dennis Wise rammed up his flat back four).