Chicago never stood a chance against Rio's naked women

TV VIEW:WATCHING THE American channels last week, we detected that native support for Chicago's Olympic bid was a bit like that ultimately offered by the International Olympic Committee: not entirely universal.

There were many reasons for this, we learnt, CNN’s Jack Cafferty, the most endearing of grumpy old men, offering one: “Rio has naked people dancing; Chicago has chubby people eating.” Jack, then, while not wanting to seem unpatriotic, appeared to be rooting for Rio, but not just because of the nakedness issue.

"Corruption, cronyism and cost overruns are guaranteed," he said on the Situation Room, quoting the group set up to oppose the bid. "Hey – it's Chicago," he shrugged, causing us to gasp just a little bit. But he's from the city, so he's allowed say what everyone else is thinking. 'M from Phoenix' was annoyed with Jack, not because he'd insulted those entrusted with the task of running Chicago, rather because he was even discussing the issue at all.

"Can we stop pretending that this isn't a done deal," said M in the email Jack read out. "Everyone knows Chicago will get the 2016 Olympics. The debate is over regarding whether they should, or whether the people want it, or why Brazil is simply a better choice." Situation Roomhost Wolf Blitzer – whose name really shouldn't, but always does, raise a giggle – wondered too if the Chicago bid wasn't already home and hosed. After all, he argued, if the smartest political team on earth (after Jackie Healy-Rae's crew) – Barack Obama, Rahm Emanuel, David Axelrod and Valerie Jarrett, all Chicago folk – could mastermind a successful presidential election campaign, surely swinging the trifling auld Olympics for their native city was something they could do in their sleep? Candy Crowley, senior political correspondent, wasn't convinced, although she stopped short of accusing Wolf of being silly, perhaps conscious that the poor man has had enough grief since "winning" -$4,600 (yes, that's a minus) on a recent celebrity edition of Jeopardy. Bless him.

Candy reckoned other factors should be considered, eg maybe Rio’s bid deserved to win? Maybe it was time for South America to host the Games? And maybe that for all his popularity, the president might not overcome the fact that America is still not universally loved. The United States, among others, had, after all, boycotted the Moscow Olympics because of the Soviet Union’s war in Afghanistan . . . so, well, you know yourself.

Over on Fox News Glenn Beck was expressing his heartfelt wish that Chicago (aka Obama) lose. If you don’t know Glenn Beck, in which case you’re blessed, it’s hard to describe him. Actually, it’s impossible. All you need to know is that he sort of makes the late Pol Pot seem like a moderate and David Icke seem rational.

Last week, as part of his lecture on why Chicago should fail, he held up a tin of Copenhagen snuff to the camera, like you do. “Snuff,” he said, ominously. “Why the can of snuff? Copenhagen. Well, some people put this between their cheek and their gum. It gives you a good jolt, right? But the main thing you should know is about the little label here on the side: “Warning: This product may be cancerous.”

No, we didn’t get it either. We checked out Keith Olbermann on MSNBC in the hope of having it all explained to us.

“See,” said Keith, “he was holding up a tin of Copenhagen snuff and Obama went to the city of Copenhagen. So that comparison was, you know, intellectual. A clear and compelling argument if ever I heard one.” Still hopelessly at a loss. Keith brought on MSNBC political analyst Craig Crawford. “Do you know what the analogy was there? Is it Obama is a cancer? Is it that he’s a snuff film? Was he born in Denmark? What was going on there?”

“I haven‘t got a clue, Keith,” said Craig. “And I’m glad I don’t, because if I understood that, I would really be worried. The terrible explanation is that he’s just a nut. But I think if he was a real nut, most squirrels wouldn’t go near him.”

Any way, D-Day. IOC president Jacques Rogge stepped up to the microphone. The excitement at CNN reached giddy levels. “The city of Chicago having obtained . . . ,” he said (a 51 per cent majority in the first round?!) . . . “ . . . the least number of votes will not participate in the next round.”

In time that CNN newsreader will recover, but it’ll take a while, we fear. “Chicago is out?” The poor man was beyond incredulous. “CHICAGO IS OUT?! Madrid is still in?? Tokyo is still in?? Wait a minute. CHICAGO IS OUT??” Snuffed out in the first round. Which probably proves it’s easier to win the White House than the Olympics, a different brand of politics entirely.