A review of the year that was, by MARY HANNIGAN

Wayne's way: Out of touch

“CAN someone talk me thru what I’m seeing,” asked gobsmacked QPR midfielder Wayne Routledge on Twitter after reading an article in the London Independent.

“Ronaldo sold to Spain for 160m?? Does that mean he can just change country and play for Spain?”

Well, yes, according to the article: “Weighed down by debt . . . Portugal’s finance ministry has secured the co-operation of football’s highest-paid player in an audacious bid to draw the nation back from the brink of economic collapse … Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to “act like a patriot” and be sold to neighbouring Spain for €160m.”

The date on the article. Yep, April 1st. Routledge: “Ok, ok . . . . got me.”

Crouch: not a cut above rest

THE premises of 89-year-old barber Aaron Biber were, sadly, looted during the riots in London last year, windows smashed and several items stolen, among them cotton wool, a kettle and a 20-year-old hair dryer.

Happily, a fund set up to help Biber repair the damage raised €42,000, so he was up and snipping again in no time at all.

One of his first customers after the repairs was none other than Stoke City and England international striker Peter Crouch – fair play to the fella, because a detail in the story hardly did much for his self-esteem: just about the only item not taken by the looters was . . . an autographed photo of Crouch.

Experts: You gotta love 'em

“Alex McLeish will have had kittens – literally.”

– Chris Coleman – literally.

“If I was me, I would pick Lampard . . .”.

– Ray Parlour? Who else would you be?

“Roberto Mancini’s got that Italian style – the old joie de vivre.”

– Perry “je ne sais quoi” Groves.

“Real Madrid aren’t in the same league as Barcelona.”

– You know what Jamie Redknapp meant, but still.

“In one word? Yes of course he can.”

– Kevin Keegan losing his count on being asked if Roy Hodgson could survive as manager of Liverpool.

CLOSE SHAVE

“We receive phone calls, even from places which are at war at the moment. It was important to wait because a week later, it goes ‘boom, boom, boom’. We were very lucky.”

– Giovanni Trapattoni revealing that he had another job offer last year – most probably from Libya.

WISHFUL THINKING

February 22nd

“I regret it a lot . . . I hope it has not tarnished me with the fans.”

– Marseilles’ Gabriel Heinze hoping for a warm reception from Manchester United fans, despite falling out with them when he demanded he be allowed join Liverpool.

February 23rd

“You Scouse b*****d.”

– Manchester United fans’ warm reception for Heinze every time he touched the ball during the Champions League game.

FINE OF THE YEAR

HE might have the face of an angel but Lionel Messi incurred the wrath of the Spanish Football Federation, who fined him €2,500 and awarded him a belated yellow card for a rather shameful incident during Barcelona’s 3-0 win over Racing Santander.

What did he do? Stamp on a player? Shove the ref? Racially abuse an opponent?

No, after scoring he lifted up his shirt to reveal a rather incendiary message written underneath: “Happy birthday Mammy”. Scoundrel.

Quick: Million years pass

2010

“My girlfriend went shopping the other day and someone asked her if I was going to Norwich. I’d just like to say that I would never in a million years go to Norwich. I can categorically say that.”

– Colchester United defender Marc Tierney.

January 2011

“I am massively pleased to join this massive club.”

– Tierney on leaving Colchester for, well, Norwich.

Gyan: Where is he gone?"No disrespect to the country. It's a wonderful place, the . . . where's he gone again?"

– Former Sunderland manager Steve Bruce on Asamoah Gyan’s move to the United Arab Whatchamacallit.

“I’m amazed those countries are in Europe, it will be a logistical nightmare.”

– An exhilarated Tony Pulis on Stoke City’s Europa League draw which put them in a group with teams from Turkey, Ukraine and Israel.

“He’s disappeared to Azerbaijan, or somewhere ridiculous in the world.

– Harry Redknapp on Tony Adams’ whereabouts.

Tanks: But no thanks, Raith

UNDOUBTEDLY, the one given to Raith Rovers supporters when they visited Dunfermline for a league game.

“This clown came out in a cardboard tank and made a motion as if he was firing at the Raith fans – there was the sound of gunfire playing over the speakers too,” a Raith devotee told the Scottish Sunday Mail. The clown in the cardboard tank was Dunfermline mascot Sammy the Tammy. Police later spoke to officials at the club and offered “a word of caution in relation to the way the mascot presented himself”.

As Scottish writer and Raith fan Ian Rankin, who was at the game, tweeted: “Not subtle”. Well, no.

Tattoo of the year

THE award goes to Norwegian striker John Carew. He endured the agony of having a tattoo put on his neck, the inscription, in French, meant to read: ‘My Life My Rules’. Alas, Christine Meklenborg, a French professor at the University of Oslo noted that a stray accent over the word ‘Regles’ meant his neck actually read: ‘My Life My Menstruation.‘

“It’s embarrassing,” said Meklenborg. A bit, yeah.

Still hailing 'the best' ever: Pele the king of self-praise

”God must think I’m a wonderful guy. Otherwise, why would he give me so much?”

– The divine Jose Mourinho.

“We have a great group of players here like Smalling, me, Evans, the twins . . . if things go well we could end up being like Ryan Giggs or Paul Scholes.”

– Wayne Rooney? No, Darron Gibson.

“I think that because I am rich, handsome and a great player people are envious of me. I don’t have any other explanation.”

– Keith Andrews? No, Cristiano Ronaldo.

“Nobody did what Pele did. Being champion of the world at 17 years old, won three World Cups, scored more than 1,208 goals, only him. Then until now nobody did this. To me, Pele is the best.”

– Eh, Pele.

“My move to Milan was a project wanted by Jesus.”

– Nicola Legrottaglie explaining why the club signed him in January – they’d received advice from above.

Gray: But the wrong shade

UNTIL January, the Bio Communications Manager for software company Codemasters could have counted his Twitter followers on not much more than three hands

Then he was away in New York on business and when he got back he noted that he had broken “the 2,000 follower mark”. Mystified, he was.

“I was getting message after message,” he said.

“There were a few abusive ones to start off with, then a few jokey ones, a mixed bag.”

He was bamboozled by accusations that he was a sexist pig, and a little befuddled by support for his standing up to mad feminists.

His day in the sun came to an end when he typed this reply to his army of followers: “You’ve got the wrong Andy Gray, mate. I work in video games. Thanks for the support, though.”

Oops

February 17th

“Relax, I’m not going anywhere! I will not abandon the ship! I won’t leave mid-season.”

February 20th

“After a game like today’s, I think it is right to send a signal. So at the final whistle I went to the locker room to thank the team and decided to resign.”

– Claudio Ranieri’s see-saw week at Roma.

Wag of the year

“I sleep with Serie A and Italy players. They’re all married. Sometimes I do it with the coaches there too. The only issue is that footballers show such little respect, and some are far from beauties. So I am closing that door, and opening another. I am all about Formula One.”

– Brazilian model Aurora Oliveira, seeking a little va va voom in her life.