All in the game

A soccer miscellany

BEEB BLANK GUNNERS

HANDS UP: how many of you expected Arsenal to beat Barcelona last week? Fibbers. The BBC certainly didn't hold out much hope, judging by the "How Arsenal can beat Barcelona" feature on their website before the game. Presumably the plan was to offer Arsène Wenger all kinds of canny tactical tips to see off the Barca boys. Instead, they just left it blank. Oh ye of little faith.

Strachan does not have the X Factor: Gordon takes a pop at keyboard cowboys

GORDON STRACHAN was in fighting form in an interview with the Daily Recordlast week, letting rip at "fundamentalists" and "zealots" for costing the likes of Andy Gray, Richard Keys and Hugh Dallas their jobs. (Dallas, the former referee, was sacked by the Scottish Football Association last year after he sent an allegedly sectarian email referring to the Pope from his SFA email account).

He reserved the bulk of his irritation, though, for "keyboard cowboys", "people who have no friends, who spend 10 hours a day on the internet because they have no one to talk to.

"They are the same people who go on X Factor. You know they are useless singers but they didn't have any mates to tell them the truth. If I told my mate I was going on X Factorhe'd say, 'Are you ****ing kidding?' But these people don't have friends to keep them right."

And then what happens? "They go on X Factor, get four 'no thanks' and are laughed off stage. So they go home disappointed and think, 'What will I do now? I know, I'll get my computer out and write stuff on messageboards about Celtic and Rangers.

"It's the same people! I made a joke about it before when I said they were all dressed in tracksuits with their devil dogs and cans of lager."

Other than that, Gordon was in quite chilled-out form.

Statement of the Week

(by the South African Premier League's Disciplinary Committee)

"The spectator misbehaviour charge follows an incident at the Chatsworth Stadium in the match between Golden Arrows and Orlando Pirates where Orlando Pirates spectators behaved in a disorderly manner in that after the final whistle they threw porridge at the match official." Porridge? Orlando Pirates will hope the Committee doesn't make an oatmeal of it.

Wally fails to spot obvious: It's all Greek to editorial team

NOT EVEN the appearance of Wally in the middle of the Manchester City squad photo they found on the interwebs left Aris Thessaloniki suspicious, instead they happily slapped the picture in their match programme for last week's Europa League game against City.

Also featured in the 60-plus squad was Franck Ribery, Lionel Messi, Wayne Rooney, Didier Drogba, Kaka, Fernando Torres, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Mesut Ozil, Diego Forlan . . . you get the drift.

As the Guardiantold us: "Aris have since explained that the editorial team, searching the internet for a photograph of the City squad, had instead located a 'Where's Wally?' spoof picture which first appeared as a Gallery entry from reader Andrew Smith on the Guardian'swebsite and did not realise the difference."

After being informed by City's chief executive Garry Cooke that the photo was, in fact, a spoof – those players won't be joining the club until the summer – Aris binned the programmes. It seems, though, that a smart cookie or two did some rummaging in said bins: the bidding is up to €92 on one of them on eBay as we speak.

Porsche lives happily ever after: And so does Pennant

A FEW weeks back we told you about Jermaine Pennant leaving his Porsche behind him in Spain after he moved from Real Zaragoza to Stoke City, the €116,000 car seemingly abandoned in a railway station car park – accumulating parking fines all the while.

Zaragoza contacted the player about the Porsche but initially he appeared to have no memory that he actually owned one, until he was told the registration plate read, well, 'P33NNT'.

We're chuffed to report that there's a happy ending to the story, with the abandoned Porsche all set for a new life with a more loving owner.

Pennant denied that the car was left behind for five months – it was, he said, only three weeks – and that it really wasn't his fault because he had to get a train to Madrid to get a flight home. "I didn't have time to go back," he told the Daily Mirror, "but I got a ticket for €480. For €480 it was worth it to come to Stoke – it was a bargain! My friend is now looking to sell the car and we have a buyer lined up. I don't need it, I drive a Ferrari here – it gets me about!" The Ferrari's reg number? Yep, P33NNT.

Harry's football philosophy: Get rid of the toe-rags!

"Clubs are not just about having wonderful players, there are a lot of good players who are toe-rags who you wouldn't have near you for all the money in the world. It's about having no toe-rags."

– For Harry Redknapp, only nice guys need apply.

"I still need to brush aside certain memories before being able to start a new adventure. It's like love: you have to have forgotten a woman to be able to love another."

– Former French coach Raymond Domenech looking for a new footballing affair.

"Looking back now I regard this group as irresponsible little brats"

– Meanwhile, Domenech pays tribute to his former charges.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know that – I don't follow football."

– Spurs' William Gallas on being told AC Milan's Antonio Cassano was cup-tied for the Champions League – this after he'd talked of the threat he posed.

"Ever since I've plugged my iPod into our music system and play the stuff in the dressing room that I've collected at home, we've not lost a game."

– Dirk Kuyt explaining that it's not King Kenny who has given Liverpool a lift, it's Kings of Leon and The Killers.

It's a cracker: Fans light up

SPARE A thought for the residents of a number of Croatian towns and cities last week who, somehow, might have been unaware that Hajduk Split were celebrating their 100th birthday.

Torcida, the club's supporters' group, didn't just set off a firecracker or two at Split's ground after a friendly against Slavia Prague, they arranged several rather spectacular pyrotechnic displays in a number of locations, including around the walls of Dubrovnik.

Rather splendid, you have to say, but you wonder how many times the emergency services were dialled that night.

GOLDEN OLDIE

AN OLD footballing tale we always assumed to be a yarn was, quite magnificently, confirmed to be true yesterday. London-born Terry Mancini qualified to play for the Republic of Ireland through his Irish-born father and when he lined up for his debut against Poland in 1973, he – allegedly, until now – turned to Don Givens and said: "Their anthem goes on a bit, doesn't it?" To which Givens replied: "That's ours."

How do we now know this to be true. Mancini owned up on RTÉ radio yesterday. Sublime.

Mind is willing but body's not: Ronaldo calls time

"It's very hard to leave something that made me so happy. Mentally I wanted to continue, but I have to acknowledge that I lost to my body."

– The (Brazilian) Ronaldo calls time on his career.

"We were both speaking Scottish, but I won't reveal what we said."

– AC Milan's Gennaro Gattuso on his bagpipes-at-dawn chat with Joe Jordan at the San Siro.

"He's not the best of players. He's a little dog. He'll scuttle around but he's well past his sell-by date. I just wish Joe (Jordan) had 10 minutes on his own with him in a room. In fact, five minutes is all it would take."

– One suspects Graeme Souness would only need 30 seconds in a room with Gattuso.

"Sleep is a massive part of my preparation. I go to bed for a few hours in the afternoon and then I'm tucked up again at 9.0. Half-nine at the latest. It's become a part of my family life now. I don't put the kids to bed, they put me to bed."

– And then Phil Neville dreams of scoring the winning penalty against Chelsea in an FA Cup shoot-out.

€210

That's the price of the cheapest ticket on general sale for May's Champions League final at Wembley – the great news, though, is that the figure includes the €30 administration fee.