I’m like, “Westlife?”
And I say it like that as well.
I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–”
Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no – shut the fock up with her eyes.
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The penny drops then. For the last couple of weeks, she’s been, like, seeing Daniella, one of the waitresses in the old man’s restaurant.
I’m there, “So you’re still doing that, huh?”
She’s like, “Doing what?”
I’m there, “Pretending to be a nice person just to make her like you?”
She goes, “Yeah – kind of like the way you pretended to be a monogamist to make Mom like you.”
It’s a cracking line, in fairness to the girl, but I’m thinking, since when did it become okay to speak to your old man like that?
Daniella arrives over then – ready to go.
I’m like, “So Westlife, huh? We’re all big fans in our gaff, aren’t we, Honor?”
Daniella’s there, “Oh my God, you should come with us!”
Straight away, Honor goes, “No, we’ve only got two tickets.”
But Daniella’s like, “No, my sister was supposed to come, but she can’t now, remember?”
I’m there, “Yeah, no, I’d be happy to take it off your hands – cover price obviously.”
But Daniella goes, “I don’t want any money for it. It’s yours.”
Like I said, she’s super nice. And way out of Honor’s league in terms of personality and – I’m calling it here – looks.
So – yeah, no – I end up crashing their date. We get a Hans Gruber to the 3Arena and we head for our seats. All the time, Honor is telling me out of the corner of her mouth that I better not ruin this night for her. And I’m like, “I’m just going to be myself, Honor – unlike some I might mention.”
She’s absolutely spitting nails.
Anyway, the concert storts and I’m really getting into it, having always been a closet Lifer. The goys would know my ugly mug from Lilies back in the day. They’re halfway through World of Our Own when I all of a sudden cop something. The dude sitting in front of me is wearing a pair of those, like, Meta glasses?
I turn to Honor and I’m like, “Look at this cheeky focker – he’s recording the entire concert.”
And Honor – unbelievably – is like, “So?”
I’m there, “Hey, let’s have a bit of fun with him.”
But Honor – again, it’s totally out of character for her – goes, “Why don’t we just mind our own business and enjoy the concert? It’s not affecting us, is it?”
She turns to Daniella, sitting on the other side of her, and smiles.
But I’m determined to have my fun even if she isn’t. So I wait until it’s coming to the end of the song, then I tap the dude on the shoulder. He turns around to see what I want and of course he ends up missing the big ending. I’m there, “That’s how you open you show, huh?”
He gives me an absolute filthy, goes, “For fock’s sake!” and points his glasses at the stage again.
Daniella, who hasn’t copped what my game is, goes, “Oh my God, that was very rude of that man!” and Honor – out of the side of her mouth – goes, “Dad, please stop!”
Of course I can’t be told anything. I’m tempted to say that’s where she gets it from?
So I leave a decent interval before I have another crack at the dude. We’re, like, halfway through – fittingly enough – Fool Again when I give the dude another tap on the shoulder. Again, he forgets himself and looks around at me.
I’m there, “I love this one. This would be one of my favourites.”
The dude goes, “You’re an orsehole, you know that?” and turns to face the stage again.
Daniella’s there, “Oh my God, he’s only trying to make conversation with you!”
And Honor’s like, “Dad, it’s not funny, okay?”
I’m there, “I beg to differ, Honor. I beg to literally differ.”
[ Four Feds step into the kitchen. One of them is like, ‘Well, Bernie?’Opens in new window ]
I wait until close to the end of the night to have another go. We’re in the middle of You Raise Me Up and the dude is getting – in fairness – spectacular footage of the drone show when he feels a sudden tap on the shoulder again. He looks back at me a third time.
I’m there, “I wonder will they finish with Swear It All Over Again.”
That’s when he ends up finally losing it with me. He goes, “I’m trying to focking film this for my daughter.”
And quick as a flash, I’m there, “How was I to know? You never told me.”
He grabs a fistful of my Leinster jersey and tries to pull me over the seat towards him. His other fist is cocked and ready to unleash. Daniella screams and Honor throws her pint in the dude’s face, absolutely soaking his glasses.
The bouncers are on us like seagulls on a waffle cone. They grab me, the dude with the Meta glasses and Honor and they lift us off the ground and run with us – our feet not even touching the ground – towards the exit.
I want to say a word here about their technique. Obviously, I’ve been focked out of a lot of establishments in my time, but never as cleanly or – I want to say – efficiently as this. I actually compliment them on their professionalism as they return me to my feet again halfway up East Wall Road.
Daniella is obviously upset by the whole thing. She’s going, “Oh my God! That man! You were only being friendly!”
I’m there, “What can I say? I’m a people person, Daniella!”
She goes, “Come on, let’s go back into town and get a drink.”
She manages to get another Hans quick enough. As she opens the back door to get in, Honor glowers at me. She’s absolutely seething.
“No,” she goes, “you’re not coming with us. You absolutely ruined the night.”
Then, after a beat, she smiles at me and whispers, “Oh my God, Dad, that was focking hilarious!” before pulling the door closed in my face.
And I smile because I know that she’s still her daddy’s girl.
