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Una Mullally: Ten foolproof-ish ways to stop Brexit

From attempting to force marriage equality on the DUP to giving London back to the Irish

Trafalgar Square on St Patrick’s Day this year. Photograph: Jay Shaw Baker/NurPhoto via Getty Images

You’d have to feel sorry for Britain. I can’t imagine being a British person having to watch this Brexit chaos unfold. Let’s all just agree that it shouldn’t happen and set about pitching ways to put an end to the madness. It’s in that defiant spirit I present to you 10 foolproof-ish ways to stop Brexit.

1 Activate the gay-equality sleeper cells

With Northern Ireland on the brink of direct rule, perhaps loving gay and lesbian couples can save the day. Simply get a group of Labour MPs and other political allies to table a Northern Irish marriage equality bill, and watch the DUP withdraw support from Theresa May’s government, leading to the government collapsing and an election that Labour will win as long as the party makes a second referendum reversing Brexit its central promise. Win the referendum, and Bob’s your uncle, Boris is your aunt, let’s call the whole thing off. Simple.

2 Compulsory visit to the Border for all Brexiteers

The action-vacuum and apathy towards the issues Brexit will cause the now virtually invisible border between the Republic and Northern Ireland leads us to imagine that the Brexiteers don’t think Border issues here are that big a deal. Why? One gets the impression that at least some Brexiteers conceive of the island of Ireland as a quiet, sparsely populated land of thatched cottages, where wisps of turf smoke and the braying of friendly donkeys fills the air, the serenity only occasionally interrupted by the locations manager of an English soap opera looking for the perfect spot to film a spin-off episode. Perhaps once they visit the Border, and see that 110 million crossings are made every year, they’ll be brought to their senses. What will they think of a UK border being flooded day in day out, though? This option may backfire. Pull up the drawbridge!

"One gets the impression that at least some Brexiteers conceive of the island of Ireland as a quiet, sparsely populated land of thatched cottages, where wisps of turf smoke and the braying of friendly donkeys fills the air." File photograph: Alan Betson

3 The rosé revolution

Every government is scared of older voters, so it’s about time every British person living in France and pouring their pensions into renovating farmhouses stood up for their right to maintain the micro-economies of failing French villages. They should do what all French residents do, and march, first towards Paris, then through the Channel Tunnel, all the while blaring the soundtrack of Les Misérables until the Tories give in. “One more day. One day more…”

4 The Ryanair revolution

Throw Britain’s favourite budget airline into disarray by pre-empting Brexit airspace disruption with cancelled flights and pilot mutinies. Only then will Britain truly understand the devastating impact Brexit will have on mini-breaks to Belgium and cheap golfing weekends to Spain. It’s heartening to see that this tactic is clearly already under way. Fair play to ya, O’Leary. That man should run the health service, you know.

5 Replace politicians with celebrities

Wouldn’t Sue Perkins make a better prime minister? Couldn’t Ant and Dec run the treasury? Shouldn’t Ed Balls … actually, never mind. It’s pretty obvious that reality TV stars running for and winning elections is a sure-fire way to reinvigorate the political class and bring about stability. Political careers could then be rehabilitated with several series set in the Australian outback of I’m a Politician, Get Me Out of Here.

6 Forced rewatching of Danny Boyle’s Olympics opening ceremony, Clockwork Orange-style

Let me take you back to a time when even people who spent their lifetimes wanting England to lose every sporting occasion imaginable were transfixed by a vision of England that felt creative and bold, egalitarian and hopeful. Perhaps a simple (but constant) rewatching initiative would remind a nation of what they stand to lose if everyone can’t stand them (again).

7 A Christmas special

Everyone loves a Christmas special, but with Downton Abbey too close to the imperialist and classist bone, convince the British public instead that the entire incident surrounding triggering Article 50 was actually a long-lost Only Fools and Horses Christmas special, where Trigger found himself down the market with Farage, hawking racist lies to unsuspecting shoppers. What a lark! Once that’s cleared up, the article can be un-Triggered, without any fuss at all. This time next year, Rodney.

8 Give London back to the Irish

Now that east London is solely populated by twentysomething Irish university graduates, there is a critical mass available to stage a polite coup, disguised as brunch. First we take Hackney, then we take Stokey, then the rest is history.

9 Pretend it never happened

If everyone else in the EU just agrees to pretend it never happened, then how can it happen? Agree on a joint initiative of Europe-wide collective amnesia whereby any time Boris or May turns up in Europe, another prime minister just says, “What are you guys doing here? Everything is fine. Fancy a cronut?” Let’s face it, none of the people negotiating this even from the British side want Brexit to happen, so if we all agree that it was just a blip in the matrix, we can get on with living our lives. The Collective Amnesia Campaign will, of course, be spearheaded by Ireland (we’re good at that) and Scotland, who can just be left rocking in the corner repeating “Better Together”.

10 Focus on the madness of the facts

Actually, that’s ridiculous. Better to read this compelling and accurate news article on my Facebook feed from brexitnooz.com