Madam, - In order to set Tom Humphries' mind at rest and stop him fretting (LockerRoom, July 21st), Chelsea's "Russian Spiv" has already addressed the issue of Duffer's requirement for sleep and is currently investing millions in the development of the Rumplestiltskin Elixir. This will be administered to Duffer after each game so he won't be distracted by London's stimulating experiences and can succumb to, as Brian Kerr calls it, "adhesive mattress" syndrome.
His Mam can still come over and do a spot of tidying for him (sure won't she love the shopping!). Everybody will be happy, Chelsea might even add to their meagre one championship and match Leeds United's massive two. . .do I digress?
BRENDAN COWMAN,
Glenhill Ave,
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Finglas,
Dublin 11