Fintan O’Toole: 15 steps to help England climb down over Brexit

From penalty shoot-outs and the Falklands to Rory McIlroy and bendy bananas

“Two World Wars and two World Cups”: Chris Waddle, Stuart Pearce and Gareth Southgate (above) will be allowed to retake their penalties until they score. Photograph: Ross Kinnaird/Allsport/Getty

“Two World Wars and two World Cups”: Chris Waddle, Stuart Pearce and Gareth Southgate (above) will be allowed to retake their penalties until they score. Photograph: Ross Kinnaird/Allsport/Getty

Did you ever see a cat stuck up a tree? It desperately wants to get down, but when a kindly human climbs up to rescue it, it hisses and claws. Even cats can’t bear to lose face. Brexit is like this: England needs to climb down, but it can’t bear to lose face. The only solution is to offer England enough ways to declare victory. In return for forgetting about Brexit, the European Union and member states will offer the following concessions.

1 Germany will agree that the penalty shoot-outs from the 1990 World Cup semi-finals and 1996 European Championship semi-finals will be restaged at Wembley. Chris Waddle, Stuart Pearce and Gareth Southgate will be allowed to take their penalties as many times as is necessary for them to score, ending decades of hurt. There will be mass chanting of “two World Wars and two World Cups”.

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