Fás farce would be in ha'penny place up North

NEWTON'S OPTIC:  BE OF good cheer, people of the South, for the Fás scandal is entirely to your credit. It is entirely to your credit that it caused a scandal at all, while similar shenanigans up North cause barely a ripple.

Consider the case of Chasing the Dollar, a BBC Northern Ireland programme backed by business quango InvestNI. This flew six local "business leaders" and a team of mentors out to a "business boot-camp" in Colorado, where they competed for the coveted title of University of Ulster Entrepreneur of the Year plus "a package of specifically-tailored, practical support to develop their presence in the US".

Alas, one of the contestants then admitted serving two years for fraud. Other contestants complained that InvestNI was "out of its depth" and that the competition venue was useless.

The precise nature of the "practical support" has still not been specified and InvestNI has denied claims that staff went skiing and had health and beauty treatments on company time. Sound familiar?

According to its very expensive website, InvestNI "grows the economy by helping new and existing businesses to compete internationally, and by attracting new investment to Northern Ireland".

According to the Westminster Public Accounts Committee and the Northern Ireland Audit Office, InvestNI claims credit for things that were going to happen anyway, denies responsibility for things that go wrong and lets its board subsidise members' companies out of its £150 million budget.

One former board member had previously given a contract to her own firm and grant-aided two firms linked to her husband. In fairness, she does appear to have paid for her own haircuts throughout.

InvestNI's response to such stories is that its board is drawn from the local business community and Northern Ireland is a very small place, so these things are bound to happen.

Even the board of Fás would not try to excuse nepotism as a demographic inevitability.

InvestNI can also be guaranteed to add that "Chinese walls" are in place, systems are transparent and accountable, and nobody ever writes a cheque to themselves or their spouse except for that one time they got caught. Bertie Ahern may yet be burned at the stake for less.

However, suggest that InvestNI should be shut down and you are met with looks of complete incredulity.

This is Northern Ireland. Only businesses get shut down.

InvestNI does not even need to cross the Atlantic to blow a fortune on an American junket.

This May it organised a US investment conference on the outskirts of Belfast. Journalists covering the opening night were staggered by the scenes of five-star hospitality.

What would sober-minded Americans make of it all? What about visitors from the Republic, where people are so abstemious that they must avoid the steam from their own urine? Fortunately, the question was academic as nearly all the US investors were still en route.

The evening was enjoyed almost exclusively by civil servants and officials.

It was reported by the Belfast media as an unqualified success. No related American investments were subsequently announced.

So hold your heads high on your next shopping trip up to Newry, for Fás cannot embarrass you north of the Border. At least you have a Nasa initiative to show for your shame.

All we have is a pack of spacers.