Cold hard advice from Fianna Fáil - just keep shovelling

NEWTON'S OPTIC:Vote-seeking parties dish out wisdom on how to handle snow

WITH CONDITIONS unlikely to change before the election, we ask the parties how to clear snow off your drive.

Fianna Fáil

Just keep shovelling. Even if the snow is coming down faster than you can shift it, just keep shovelling. Otherwise the neighbours will think you’re not making an effort, which would have terrible consequences for your reputation.

Obviously, in terms of how to keep shovelling, you should pile the snow up into a bank.

Try not to block your car in with it though as that would be pretty stupid.

Fine Gael

We also believe that you should just keep shovelling, but you should buy yourself a brand new shiny shovel first.

This won’t make the shovelling any easier but it might make you feel better and convince the neighbours that you’re serious. For best results, get one of those shovels with left and right foot-rests. Then you can fall on your arse in both directions.

Stay focused by building a snowman and pretending he’s your boss. You can back your car over him once the drive is clear.

Labour

We do not share the conservative consensus that you should just keep shovelling. You should ask the council to do it instead, ensuring snow is cleared while protecting jobs and driving growth in the growing pile of snow sector.

Council workers stuck in their own drives should be paid to clear them in accordance with the Croke Park agreement, benchmarked against the rising level of snow in everyone else’s drives.

In all of this we must remember the vulnerable, who might trip and cut their toes off with a shovel. Cuts will do nothing to solve this problem.

Jackie Healy-Rae

I’m not coming out of the house until you’ve cleared my drive. And built me a car-port. A nice one, mind. None of that corrugated plastic rubbish.

United Left Alliance

The snow in your drive is not your fault. It was caused by global forces pushing ice crystals up through super-cooled clouds, until the whole rotten neo-weather system was unable to support them. Take action now to fight the snow. March around your living-room waving a placard through the window. Demand equal off-street tyre friction for all. Defend vital front-garden services.

Then ask your mum to make you a late breakfast. It’s not as though you had to go to work anyway.

Sinn Féin

Only Protestants have drives.

The Conservatives

As a UK party it is not our business to clear drives in Ireland. However, as good neighbours we wish to point that out that this snow was inevitable as soon as the wind started blowing from Europe, and we did warn you not to throw your old grit away.

We warned you about paving the drive in polished marble as well, although you thought we were just jealous for saying so. Not that we’re saying we said so. Perish the thought.

Green Party

We don’t understand how this happened. It was never meant to snow in Ireland again. Temperatures were supposed to go on rising forever. Perhaps the people next door threw snow over our fence.

We’d never have moved into a semi if we’d known what they were like. If we get them evicted, can we borrow your shovel?