Lonely Planet'schoice of Ireland as the world's friendliest country will come as a surprise to many of us who live here, writes Frank McNally
It seems to illustrate the truism that if you get a reputation for work, you can sleep all day. The fact is that, as befits a world-class economy, Ireland has outsourced that whole Céad Míle Fáilte thing, which was very labour-intensive. My guess is that the friendly locals encountered by the Lonely Planet Bluelistcompilers were actually Polish.
But at least the LP'stribute to our "deliciously dark sense of humour" still rings true. Indeed, I was forcefully reminded of this treasure only recently when reading, of all things, the Lonely Planet Guide to Irish Language and Culture. Under the sub-heading of "pub etiquette", for example, the book warns visitors about our infamous "round system", viz: "To the outsider, the round system may appear very casual. You might not be told when it's your round and others may appear only too happy to stand in for you. But make no mistake, your failure to 'put your hand in your pocket' will be noticed.
"People will mention it the minute you leave the room. [The reputation] will follow you to the grave, [after] which it will attach to your children, and possibly theirs as well. In the worst cases it may become permanently enshrined in a family nickname."
At first I thought this was funny because it was true. Then I realised that, no, it was funny was because I wrote it myself: about 10 years ago, as part of a spoof visitors' guide in The Irish Times'sSt Patrick's Day magazine.
Now, here it was in Lonely Planet, without attribution, or even a set of inverted commas to hint at authorship. Of course I should have complained to the publishers. But I didn't. The damned Irish sense of humour wouldn't let me. Besides which, I'd rather talk about them behind their backs.
In fairness to LP,it was only a paragraph. And that St Patrick's Day guide is now scattered all over the Internet, on a wide range of Irish-themed sites, many with hideous green backdrops. It is reproduced in multiple forms, the only common factor of which is anonymity. Annoyingly, people have even taken to adding their own bits.
The spoof has become like a traditional fiddle tune now, constantly being adapted to local styles. Except that a fiddle tune would have a name - McNally's Lament, perhaps - that acknowledged its origins. But I used to comfort myself that at least the piece was fulfilling a need among the Irish diaspora, whose members must be under constant pressure to be funny, despite being exiled from the rich source of humorous material that we call Ireland.
Then I found my article on a serious-looking US website called irishcultureandcustoms.com. And rather than being merely anonymous, it was attributed to a "very witty Dubliner". Worse still, on close inspection, the Dubliner turned out to be somebody other than me. They even had the chancer's picture and a link to his blog.
In medium-to-high dudgeon, I e-mailed the US website, which promptly corrected the record. Then I tracked down the witty Dubliner, via telephone, to see if he was as hilarious in real life. Disappointingly, after learning the purpose of the call, he couldn't tell me a single joke - instead protesting ignorance of the material's source, and saying he had never claimed authorship (apart, obviously, from e-mailing his photograph).
Shortly after this episode - lo! - I was contacted by a Berlin-based educational publisher who had seen the piece on the US site and wanted to reproduce three paragraphs (including the pub bit) for an English-language guide. Being German, the company even insisted on paying a fee - which, while not large in itself, was proportionately, on a per-word basis, the equivalent of the Booker Prize. Of course, like the Taoiseach, I am completely indifferent to money. But it was nice of them to offer.
The main thing is that is that my warning about the Irish round system is now taught in German language schools, alongside a paragraph explaining how our road-signs are influenced by Einstein's Theory of Relativity, holding as they do that there is no fixed reference point in the universe - or west of Mullingar, anyway - and that questions of location and distance may be different for every observer as well as, frequently, for neighbouring signposts.
I hope Lonely Planetdoesn't think it petty of me to mention the purloined paragraph. I blame our history. As the Bluelistnotes: "Centuries of turmoil, conquest and famine. . . have certainly taken their toll on the Irish." That's the problem. When even a stray sentence of ours goes unattributed, that old feeling of dispossession comes back to haunt us. It's as if planters have seized the family small-holding all over again.
Of course, as LPnotes, this psychosis is also the well-spring of our sense of humour. And although I consider Ireland's Bluelistshowing as reward enough for my small part in the effort, far be it from me to discourage the LPpeople should they wish to express their gratitude in a more, well, German way. I won't mention anything so vulgar as an amount. But a good guideline would be that, if we ever meet in one of Dublin's trendier pubs, my round of drinks is on them.