DESPITE the best efforts of Iarnrod Eireann, committing on Dublin's rush hour DARTs these days is pretty chaotic and, at times, downright unbearable. On some services, passengers are so tightly packed that they no longer need to grab some thing to hold on to when the train moves. Instead, they sway to the train's movements with other standing passengers, crowded together like people on a packed football terrace (PFT).
On such occasions you had better hope it's not raining or cold outside; otherwise, the windows may not be opened and the atmosphere inside can quickly induce fainting. However, if you are standing and swaying with the crowd PFT style, you could conceivably faint and still stand up.
Similarly, if you are an exsmoker or a rabid antismoker, you had better pray that the people squashed against you on a PFT-DART have not recently smoked a cigarette. Otherwise, the stomach churning stench of somebody else's stale smoke can leave you feeling physically sick.
Mobile conversation
Despite the discomforts of being on board a PFT-DART, this state of affairs can lead to some humorous situations.
Recently, somebody's mobile phone rang amid a scrum of bodies on a PFT-DART. The ringing sound was so suppressed that a dozen people in the immediate vicinity believed it could be their mobile phone and frantically started to create enough space to rummage in their pockets and briefcases.
"It's for you who," said somebody with a smile.
When the ringing stopped and a man answered his phone with "No, I haven't forgotten the bloody parent teacher meeting," a wave of rather you than me mate laughter spread around the carriage.
On one occasion, passengers on a PFT-DART were unintentionally entertained by the train's driver. As the train was so full, the driver used the DART's public address system to encourage passengers to move "towards the middle of the train".
However, as the DART left the station, it soon became obvious that the driver had forgotten to turn off the public address. A voice, which passengers hadn't previously heard, suddenly came over the airwaves.
"Howayeh," it said.
"Ah, it's yourself," replied the driver.
"Fancy a jar after work?" enquired the voice. (Some passengers threw their eyes skyward and others registered a few wry smiles.)
"I better not," replied the driver.
"Ah Jaysus," said the voice.
"Now listen here," returned the driver, very firmly, "I've been late for dinner twice this week and the wife went bleedin' berserk both times." (A lot of tittering began among the passengers.)
"Ah, she couldn't be that bad," the voice suggested.
"She'll have me guts for garters," the driver responded forcefully. (Widespread laughter was heard in the carriages and a passenger asked: "Will we be getting this in Irish as well?")
"Guts for garters? Me Ballix!" replied the voice. "Are yeh a man or a mouse?"
There was a brief silence.
"Jaysus," said the driver suddenly, "I've left the bleedin' PA on."
Discomfort remembered
As the driver hastily turned off the PA system - and there were no further public addresses to move "towards the middle of the train" - many of the passengers standing PFT style laughed loudly and forgot their discomfort.
Unfortunately, the moment didn't last. Laughter dwindled to smiles. Then, PFT-style, the frowns, sighs, pouts, and sour pusses returned as discomfort was remembered and the driver's domestic traumas were forgotten.
Although Iarnrod Eireann tells us that 10 additional carriages (arriving in 1998 when DART extensions to Malahide and Greystones are expected to start running) will increase the DART's capacity by 12.5 per cent, one wonders how long it will be before the State's railway operator will put a smile back on the face of many commuters using the otherwise splendid DART system during rush hour.