IS there anything quite so vulgar as Longleat House, ancestral home of the Marquess of Bath? One of England's oldest stately homes, with a rich history dating back to Elizabethan times, it exists today as the centrepiece of a three ring circus, a monument of the transformation of such a venerable old relic into a brash tourism moneyspinner.
How the present Lord Bath and his wife, Anna, can continue to live there is beyond understanding, because the late 16th century mansion is now surrounded by a staggering array of "attractions" - a safari park, a miniature railway, a gokart track, a Dr Who Adventure, performing parrots, a suitably baffling maze, fake paddle steamers, holiday chalets and a huge caravan park.
"There is nowhere quite like Longleat," gushes the official brochure. "From the comfort of your car or the Safari Bus, see the famous Lions of Longleat roaming free. Rhinos, tigers, wolves and elephants are among the many different animals to see. . In the freedom of the Giraffery, you'll be just feet away from Llamas, camels, zebras and giraffes...
Wiltshire playground
Just like Disneyland, visitors are advised to buy a 10 ticket "passport to Longleat's attractions - and save, save, save!" (or shouldn't that be "spend, spend spend"?). In the summer months, thousands of parents with children throng this Wiltshire playground to be relieved of their money by Lord Bath's small army of functionaries at the cash tilts.
Longleat has almost everything except a sex shop. The gorillas, on Gorilla Island in the middle of the lake, even have a satellite television dish on the roof of their hut. You can also experience Lord Bath's new "Love Maze" with its heart shaped trellises or view his erotic murals in the main house, which was comprehensively vandalised by one of his ancestors.
Apparently, the Fourth Marguess of Bath was not at all impressed by the original Elizabethan interiors and had them ripped out in favour of completely over the top Italianate ceilings, some copied from the Doge's Palace in Venice, and other trappings of ornate Victorian taste. And so thorough were his "improvements" - that only one major room - the great hall, with its hammer beam roof - survives from the 1580s.
As for the Sixth Marquess who started transforming Longleaf into a paying proposition in 1946, you can visit an exhibition of his life and times. It includes, as the brochure notes: "Selected items from Henry Lord Bath's extensive collections of memorabilia of significant historical figures of his time: Churchill, Hitler, Edward VIII and Margaret Thatcher." What a group!
Historical collection
There's a stable containing "historic vehicles", including Churchill's car "with maps which may (sic) have been used for the D Day landings" as well as the family State Coach with coachmen wearing the livery still worn by Longleat's staff today. "Life below stairs" is portrayed in the Victorian kitchen which features the cook her cat and a 100 year old mousetrap.
Inevitably, there are souvenir shops selling tourist trinkets as well as hamburger joints and hot dog stands and, for the more discerning, Lady Bath's Tea Room, which specialises in "West Country home cooking" - scones with clotted cream and strawberry jam, etc. No wonder Lord Bath's message of welcome expresses the hope that people will return again and again until they have seen everything.
For a less commercialised experience, we went to Stour Head. This classically romantic landscape, owned and run by Britain's National Trust was created in the 18th century by Henry Hoare, a rich London banker. Not only does it have the most wonderful trees laid out around a vast, serpentine artificial lake, but also dramatically sited Roman temples a beautiful Palladian mansion and a real medieval village.
Streets of medieval houses
Not far from Bath is the picture postcard town of Bradford on Avon, full of medieval houses hugging the streets which have been there since the Wars of the Roses and even earlier. The ancient bridge dates back to the 13th century and when we dropped in to see the huge oak raftered Tithe Barn, built in 1341, the townspeople were holding a "Songs of Praise" service to mark the end of the annual festival.
Further on through the idyllic English countryside, one comes across sleepy villages like Rode, with its gable fronted stone houses decorated with hanging baskets of summer flowers. But even here, not everything is quite what it seems. In the mid 1980s, the village's main source of employment was a soft porn video business trading from two converted cottages which became known as the "Filth Factory".
In Norton St Philip, heavy trucks are banned to protect the oldest pub in Britain - an oak beamed, half timbered medieval building dating from 1223. A notice in the bar, issued from Whitehall Palace by King James II on June 16th, 1685, offers a £5,000 reward for his renegade nephew, the Duke of Monmouth, "dead or alive". The very English menu includes wild boar pate and huge T bone steaks.
A mile from Norton, in the middle of nowhere hard by the edge of a narrow country road, is Tuckers Grave Inn. A twostorey stone house, with no bar counter at all, it serves the cloudiest of ciders straight from the vat and you can play shove ha'penny in one of the simple rooms. A word of warning, however; there have been several casualties as people stagger out of the place drunk on Somerset's finest.