THE introduction of an N-plate for novice drivers is a welcome contribution to road safety. But here are some other letters that could be useful.
A: Indicating that the driver is an American tourist, the A-plate could be handed out at airports and car rental depots, for voluntary display. The sign would warn other road users that the recipient is driving on the left for the first time, is new to the stick-shift gear system, and has never seen a roundabout before.
B: The B-plate would replace all existing “Baby on Board” signs. Behind the cute message, it would also carry the same implied threat, ie: that the driver is suffering from sleep deprivation, has been temporarily deranged by parenting hormones, and is liable to take his or her eyes off the road at any moment, due to – for example – sudden vomiting noises in the back seat.
CB: N is already taken. So instead of “Northerner”, I propose a CB plate to indicate “Cross-Border” driver. This would exempt the occupant from local speed limits and other by-laws, as well as entitling him to apparently exclusive use of the outside lane on the M1. Subject to negotiations with the PSNI, a reciprocal system could apply north of the Border, affording Southern drivers similar hospitality.
CF: Signifying “Control Freak” and displayed only in rear windows, the CF plate would be for people who always observe the speed limits and, by hugging the middle of the road in front, are determined to ensure you observe them too. The occupant may also reserve the right to drive considerably lower than the speed limit, if he or she feels that the limit is too high.
IA: Warning that the driver is “Indicator-Averse”, the IA plate would cover all those people who, because of cultural, religious, or medical reasons, or because previous use of turn signals has made them victims of persecution – cannot or will not use indicators when changing lanes. Alternatively the plate could also signify “Indicator Amnesiac”, referring to those who do make turn signals, but only once on every trip, and then leave it on until they get home again.
K: A catch-all warning, this one would cover nervous drivers, drivers with unusually high insurance premiums, drivers who think they’re Jensen Button, and so on. The K stands for “Keep Well Away!”
LC: A more specific version of K, the LC-plate would indicate that the driver is a lawyer specialising in the area of personal injury compensation. The sign would alert other road users that, if they’re going to collide with somebody, this would be an especially bad choice.
M: M is for mobile. But it can also stand for “multi-tasking”, referring to a situation wherein, while one of the driver’s hands is occupied by a phone, the other one has to do everything else: steering, changing gears, holding that cup of coffee he just bought at a filling station, etc.
MU: This would alert other motorists that the occupant has been known to apply make-up while driving.
R: A driver who has been guilty of two or more rear-endings should have to display an R-plate for a specified period. The plate would usually be in the window, but in cases of recidivist offending, the fender itself might be also be required to display it.
T: A variation on B, the T-plate would warn others that you have toddlers or – even worse – teenagers on board, and that the endless squabbling in the back seat may eventually cause you to crash the car on purpose because that’s about the only thing that might make them shut up.
TD: For use by politicians in general, a TD-plate would alert arresting gardaí to the possibility that a decision to prosecute the driver for something might result in a transfer to Tory Island.
TW: This one would indicate that the occupant has a Twitter account and needs to update it every two minutes, even while driving.
Y: Without stigmatising any gender in particular, the Y-plate would warn that the driver is (a) young, (b) has a Y chromosome and (c) may be in possession of testosterone levels higher than the recommended amount. Other road users would be advised to approach with caution.
Zzzz: Triggered by smart-car technology, the Zzzz-plate would be an electronic visual display, flashing in large letters on the front and back windscreens, to indicate that the driver has just fallen asleep.