An Irishman's Diary

It had to happen - and it did. Reader, a nun flashed headlights behind me on the Naas dual-carriageway. In its own modest way, this signals the end of civilisation as we know it.

By now, most of us know what it is like to be driving within the legal motorway way speed limit of 70 m.p.h. and to be flashed and/or beeped by an ignorant road-hog intent on forcing you out of his or her way, even if they have to drive through you to achieve this. Or worse, you are forced to impose yourself on an already packed slow lane. It is a form of harassment that goes far beyond verbal abuse. It is life-threatening. Often the harasser has a mobile phone in one hand and is gesturing with the other. What exactly is controlling his or her steering wheel is a mystery.

High-speed dilemma

Being illegally ordered to pull over when you are driving legally at 70 m.p.h. poses a dilemma. What do you do? Stick it out while your child becomes increasingly terrified and the dogs in the back become frantic (dangerous drivers also get thrills out of teasing dogs)? Drive faster and break the law? Or attempt to pull over into a six-inch space and cause an accident merely to facilitate the crazed bully behind? Not every one wants to drive at 100 m.p.h. No one needs to.

The bullies are making motorway driving even more unpleasant than it used to be when it was a case of counting the dead animals - still a feature - and noting the bizarre number of lone male shoes littering the roads of Ireland. Complain to members of the Garda and they shrug helplessly. They wanted mobile phones in cars to be banned but were overruled. They have better things to do - like pursuing drug dealers - without having to tell adult motorists in charge of lethal weapons to act like, well, adult motorists in charge of lethal weapons.

But truly, it is not until you find yourself driving at 70 m.p.h. and being flashed at - despite the obvious fact the slow lane is full - by two middle-aged nuns driving a Japanese car itself of mature years, that you fully realise that motorway harassment is a fact of lie. Flash or be flashed. Never having flashed in my life I am experiencing a new form of purity, not that it is giving me much joy.

One of the more interesting facts about the flashing phenomenon is that although many of the flashers are young to youngish males driving company cars and they seem to get a kick out of giving the impression they are prepared to ram into the back of you unless you disappear, older men driving big cars are also culprits. The only difference is that they seem bored by it all and are simply going through the motions.

Interestingly, a significant number of women wearing sunglasses on their heads are also engaging in power fantasies on the roads of Ireland. Sad, really. It is obvious that for some men and women, driving fast cars at the legal limit, wearing sunglasses on their heads, and talking on mobile phones, is no longer exciting enough. The illusion of power has to be heightened by intimidating fellow road-users.

German cars

It is also interesting that, contrary to popular belief, drivers of high-performance German cars are not the leading road terrorists. They are in fact among the safest drivers. Small wonder that women prefer to marry Volkswagens than men. Many of the worst offenders are occupying ancient vehicles which appear to have participated in one stock-car derby too many. Vividly I recall the battered little Italian car being forced by its driver to barge our station wagon off the road. Although it did not actually make contact, something did fall off the aged Fiat's already shattered front left headlamp.

Civility would seem to be about the most we could hope for, considering that the standard of driving is so poor. It is remarkable the number of drivers who switch lane without bothering to indicate. Either these people have tremendous faith in their God's ability to protect them - never mind about the poor sucker behind who could well come of the worse as a result of having the bad luck to be on the road at the same time - or they are dangerously absent-minded. Perhaps they have been in too much of a hurry to have discovered what an indicator is for?

Or maybe they just don't have the time to indicate. I mean, how long does it take to flick on an indicator?

About a week ago, when I was on the way to Tralee, a man driving a white van ahead of us became so incensed by the relaxed attitude of the business type driving a stately new Mercedes at about 55 m.p.h. that he barged through on the inside. Spectacular stuff. Just think of what that manic van driver gets up to on a motorway. The mind boggles.

No matter how much coverage the latest road deaths receive in the news, drivers continue to conduct themselves as if they are either convinced they are immortal or are committed to fulfilling a death-wish. It is the same with the "No Overtaking" signs. Enter any stretch of road bearing a wide variety of such signs and still drivers overtake.

Eerie memorial

There is a particularly dangerous stretch of road between Ballinasloe and Loughrea. A few years ago the local people, despairing of the county ever taking action, put up their own warning signs in the form of an eerie memorial to the dead - stick crosses draped with black ribbons and stark warnings such as: "Thirty-three people have already died. You could be next." Oblivious or defiant, the overtakers continued.

Since then, the county council has erected a string of warning signs along the six-mile route. But career overtakers carry on overtaking.

The N11 is one highway where there are signs that sanity could be winning. But elsewhere? How many more stupid accidents? how many more needless deaths?