It's approaching that time when well-known people get asked what they've most enjoyed reading in the past 12 months. No one ever asks me, but if they did my choice this year would have to be The Rules Of The Road booklet: a smartly-paced little page-turner, which is full of fascinating tips on how to drive legally - many of them never tried in Ireland. Certainly, driving around Dublin, it is fascinating how many little misunderstandings between motorists arise because of basic ignorance of the rules. And what is also fascinating is that in misunderstandings in which I personally am involved, the other guy is always wrong.
Maybe you are the other guy, and maybe you think you're a good driver too. If so, see how you do in this multiple-choice test.
In a traffic light sequence, orange means: (a) Stop, unless it is unsafe to do so. (b) The same as green, under articles 2 and 3 of the Constitution. (c) Circumstances are ideal for an attempt on the world land-speed record.
What, according to Bye-law 21 of the Road Traffic (General) ByeLaws, 1964, is the specific rule relating to roundabouts? (a) "A driver shall enter a roundabout by turning to the left." (b) "He who hesitates is lost." (c) "E = MC'
If entering a roundabout with the intention of leaving by the third or subsequent exit, what is the proper procedure? (a) Put down the mobile phone for a start. (b) Keep circling until you're sure which one is the third exit. (c) See if there's a short cut.
A driver "should not drive from one traffic lane to another without just cause". Which of the following, if any, do you consider a good cause?
(a) The vehicle in front of you is travelling at a speed which, if it were a bicycle, would cause it to fall over. (b) There is a ferret in your trouser leg. (c) The grass is always greener on the other side.
The driver behind you changes lanes, overtakes you, and is trying to cut back in into the lane ahead of you. Do you? (a) Slow down and allow a space for him to enter. (b) Close the gap on the car in front to a distance of not greater than two coats of paint and on no account let the other guy back in, even if it means following him all the way home. (c) Allow him back in and congratulate him on the skill of his manoeuvre by flashing your lights and/or sounding your horn.
A cyclist in front of you indicates clearly that he intends to turn right. Do you: (a) Look surprised. (b) Make a note to change your glasses. (c) See a psychiatrist about these hallucinations.
While stopped at a set of traffic lights, you notice the vehicle behind you is being driven by Eddie Irvine. Do you: (a) Put the car in first gear and be ready to move when the lights change. (b) Put the car in third gear and jump out when the lights change. (c) Try to outbreak him at the next corner, and don't give him any room on the inside.
You arrive back at your parking place and find your car is being hoisted onto a Garda tow-truck. Do you? (a) Inquire politely as to the whereabouts of the car pound. (b) Inquire politely as to the whereabouts of the tow-person's parents' marriage certificate. (c) Tell a sob story about the car not being yours at all and how you were only asked to park it by your boss, the Minister for Justice.
The driver in front has had his right indicator on for the last 115 miles. Should you? (a) Assume he will turn right eventually. (b) Assume he will turn left eventually. (c) Be helpful and try to turn his indicator off with your front bumper.
"Box junctions" are: (a) Places you can park free during rush-hour. (b) Pretty decorations to brighten up drab street junctions. (c) Landing directions for alien spacecraft.
The rule governing box junctions is: (a) You must not enter the box unless you can clear it without stopping and, furthermore, if anybody else gets stuck in there, you must give them a very hard time. (b) You must not land on a square unless the square adjoining it is unoccupied. (c) Bg7ch (threatening BxK) and white resigns.
A triangular sign saying "Geill Sli" signifies: (a) You haven't got a clue, have you? (b) Sorry you never learned Irish, now what? (c) Don't blame us if you're about to be run over by an express train.
On which of the following is it illegal to park, at all times: (a) A double yellow line. (b) A single yellow line. (c) A traffic warden.
HOW YOU SCORED: Mostly As: Welcome to Ireland, hope you have a pleasant visit. Mostly Bs: Not bad, but just stay out of my way, pal. Mostly Cs: You're not a taxi driver, by any chance?