Two years is a long time in the spirit-sapping era of Biffo

DÁIL SKETCH:IT CAN'T be. Only two years? Gawd, but it seems like an age since those heady days when Brian Cowen became Taoiseach, before he led a pitifully hopeful nation into the depressing and spirit-sapping Biffo years.

A world away now from those sunnier times when Bertie Ahern was blithely driving the country into a brick wall, but doing it with feel-good dollops of stardust and hope.

It’s an unhappy second anniversary for the Biffo Years today. Only two? Now we all know what hard labour feels like.

This unhappy milestone was mentioned by Enda Kenny during Leaders’ Questions. He felt, given the occasion, that he should list the myriad lowlights littering Cowen’s reign of “unprecedented destruction”. We won’t mention them here because people are far too miserable to be reminded. It would probably only make Biffo more miserable too, and that’s in nobody’s interest.

In keeping with recent Dáil outings, the Taoiseach continued to favour Inda with the briefest of replies. We think one of his advisers – or carers might be more apt – told his floundering boss to go for the pity angle in the absence of anything else working. But the Biff, in the way things are routinely skewed by him, mistook pity for pithy.

Hence the brevity.

Speaking of brief, Inda produced three of them in the form of senior counsel who advised him that it was not unconstitutional immediately to stop the practice of serving TDs drawing ministerial pensions.

Three SCs? They must be very flush in Fine Gael. But the party leader’s impressive collection of silks didn’t sway the Taoiseach, who insisted he was sticking to the advice of his Attorney General.

Labour’s Eamon Gilmore brought up the embarrassing subject of the three outstanding byelections the Government doesn’t want to hold. In particular, he wanted a date for the Donegal South West byelection. Later in the evening, Sinn Féin introduces a motion to move the writ for it.

Eamon unsettled the Taoiseach with his charge that the Government hadn’t “the bottle” to face the electorate. “I have rarely seen any taoiseach, or indeed the head of any government anywhere, running so scared of the public that you are now.”

Biffo had no response. At least not one that made sense. In essence, it seems the Government’s line on not giving three Dáil constituencies their democratic right is to prevent Ireland suffering the same fate as Greece.

Here’s the woeful Cowen on why he can’t name the date for Donegal South West: “In relation to the business the Dáil is conducting, this Government has, uniquely in this House, shown the capacity to take the decisions which have been necessary to ensure that we didn’t find ourselves in the situation unfortunately some other country has found itself in presently and it is because of that coherent response to those sort of difficulties that we are able to continue to look forward to continuing with those sort of actions and decisions in the months and years ahead.”

Then he said the byelection was nothing to do with his Government at all. Instead, it was a matter for the Dáil.

“Hold a free vote then,” said Labour’s Brendan Howlin. A sour-faced Taoiseach ignored him.

The Sinn Féin motion was heard at teatime – Tánaiste Mary Coughlan left the chamber as soon as the debate about the voting rights of her constituents began – and the Opposition agreed it was a disgrace that Donegal South West was down a deputy.

Fine Gael’s Dinny McGinley said he was doing twice the work, along with the Tánaiste’s workload because she’s always away on business. “But I’m happy to do it! Happy to do it!”

Chief whip John Curran was sent in to bat for the Government. The unfortunate Curran put on his spectacles and ploughed drearily through a prepared script. It was so close to his face it was like he could read Braille with the tip of his nose.

The speech was hilarious as Curran explained that the crisis in the international economy militated against holding the Donegal byelection. All he was short of doing was blaming Lehman Brothers. He talked of exchequer returns and economic recovery. With a totally straight face, John read: “It is in this context that we do not believe that now it would be in the best interests of the people of Ireland, or for the people of Donegal, that the Government and political parties take their eyes off the recovery of the economy to focus our attention on the running of electoral contests.”

Then he talked of the fabulous road network in the country – “Tell Jim McDaid to use it, he might turn up here once in a while” said Sinn Féin’s Aengus Ó Snodaigh. Curran told of all the great works done by the Government in Donegal. “With such a proud record you should have no fear in facing the electorate,” dripped Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin. But John brazened it out and the vote was called. Whereupon, as is the custom with this shambles of a Government, the vote was tied and the Ceann Comhairle had to use his casting vote.

Why? Because Frank Fahey and Timmy Dooley pressed the wrong buttons and voted by mistake with the Opposition. If either of these guys ever offer you a lift, refuse it. They can’t tell the difference between green and red.

When the result was announced, the Taoiseach had a face like thunder. After two glorious years, another gaffe.