TDs scan heavy schedule of Harney Globetrotters

DÁIL SKETCH:THE Harney Globetrotters (motto: Martyrs to the Air Miles) are on tour again.

This time, Mary Harney and her team will be travelling around New Zealand in a van. For 15 days. In honour of St Patrick, the Irish health service and the economy.

She left Paddy’s green shamrock shore last Saturday on her latest mission, following in the fine tradition established by her colleague Noel Dempsey who was away in Malta when the nation ground to a halt during January’s big freeze.

As Mary was beginning her vital two-week trip to the other side of the world, another hospital diagnosis crisis was about to hit back home.

The Opposition wanted to hear what the Minister for Health had to say about it. “Will the Minister come into the house today to answer questions about this?” asked Enda Kenny with a big innocent face on him, before he followed up with the facts. “Is she in New Zealand a week before St Patrick’s Day?” The Fine Gael backbenchers threw on some metaphorical face paint and prepared to do the Haka.

The Taoiseach gave the Dáil the relevant information.

On her visit to the land of the silver fern, Minister Harney will be “meeting people in the health sector and dealing with general economic issues as well.”

“Is she coming back?” inquired Pádraig McCormack, as his colleagues slapped their thighs and stamped their feet but were unable to look fearsome due to an outbreak of sniggering.

No doubt Mary will report in full to the House upon her return. However, The Irish Timescan exclusively reveal the key finding she will present to parliament when she eventually gets back with the results of her in-depth investigation into the medical system in New Zealand. "A kiwi a day keeps the doctor away."

Meanwhile, on the subject of our patron saint and the timing of Mary’s antipodean odyssey, Biffo was up to speed.

“The St Patrick’s Day issues arise this weekend in New Zealand, rather than on St Patrick’s Day itself.”

Four days this year, apparently, of carousing on the North and South islands in honour of the emerald isle, although the Taoiseach didn’t supply this information.

Instead, it was trickling out due to an army of journalists hitting the telephones to the Department of Health in Dublin and drowsy contacts on the other side of the world.

Thanks to the miracle of Twitter – as opposed to tight- lipped aides in the Minister’s department – an alert tweeter sent a link from Down Under revealing that the Minister has an engagement at the Hutt Valley Irish Society next Monday.

“We will be serving finger food and, of course, the bar will be open” reads the invitation for the meet-and-greet session, which will last for an hour and a half.

It should be lovely.

Eamon Gilmore could hardly bring himself to broach Mary’s travels. He was more interested in how the new chief executive of Tallaght hospital (where the current X-ray problem emerged) told the Minister about the matter in December but the Minister said yesterday morning that “she didn’t really know the scale of the problem” until the previous day.

“I find this unbelievable,” he snorted.

However, while Eamon may have been worried about this, the Minister’s people in Dublin let it be known that while she is abroad, she is, nonetheless, dealing with the situation “remotely”.

So really, it’s like Mary never left Ireland, as she tends to refer all inquiries to the Health Service Executive at the best of times. This is something that enrages opposition deputies, but at least they couldn’t accuse her of inconsistency.

Deputy Gilmore wanted to know if he would be replacing Minister Harney in his imminent Cabinet reshuffle.

Enda Kenny was similarly concerned. “Are you happy with your Minister for Health?” he asked. “Are you happy that the Minister took appropriate action here?”

There is one thing Biffo is very good at, and that is batting for his troops. He delivered a glowing testimonial of his Minister.

Then he went across the road to the Merrion Hotel for a good news event, where he announced that Galway has bagged the finishing stage of the Volvo Around the World yacht race for a marvellous second time.

We couldn’t help noticing the slogan for the event, which was plastered on the backdrop behind him: “Let’s do it global.” He doesn’t have to tell Mary Harney that.

As the day wore on, there was still no word of Mary’s itinerary. Finally, late in the evening, a very detailed schedule landed. In fairness to the Minister for Health, she will be visiting loads of hospitals during her trip and discussing all sorts of things from paediatrics to general practice, emergency department management and neurology practices, patient safety and quality assurance, disease risk factor trends and disease risk factors.

She will be taking part in a parade and visiting the New Zealand parliament and meeting lots of politicians, business types and expats.

Some cynics were muttering about schedules being beefed up at the last minute, but that would be a cynical way of looking at things.

When the Harney Globetrotters return – Mary, her husband Brian, her special adviser, her private secretary and the deputy chief medical officer in the department – they will be exhausted.

And then the Minister for Health, now that she has learned how they do things in New Zealand, will be able to make everything better.

Cheap at half the price.