Green pups take being anti-litter to a whole new level

DÁIL SKETCH:John Gormley is holding Biffo's rural carnivores to ransom at the blunt end of a lettuce

THERE IS no point in trying to make sense of the madness gripping Leinster House.

The summer recess is fast approaching and deputies and Senators are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Fianna Fáil is trying to eat itself. Fine Gael has been overtaken by frontbench hysteria. Labour is gone power crazy. Sinn Féin is less than sound on the animal conflict. The Greens, we are led to believe, have overdosed on anabolic steroids and now their terrified Coalition partners cower in the face of their aggression.

John Gormley (Green in tooth and claw) is holding Biffo’s macho rural carnivores to ransom at the blunt end of a dangerous lettuce.

Mattie McGrath is prancing around the plinth like the best in show at Crufts. The champion of Ireland’s “breeding bitches” is putting his political career on the line for our greyhounds.

He caused consternation in his party by voting against the Wildlife Bill. Did Mattie actually vote against? He did, and he didn’t. It’s a long story, but the upshot is that McGrath has lost the Fianna Fáil whip, joining Brian Cowen’s ever growing band of wilderness people. Does anybody, outside of politicians, political anoraks and political journalists actually care whether some or other backbench deputy “loses the whip”? Thought not.

Meanwhile, Government TDs from north Dublin and Meath are fretting about their seats as they mutter darkly about Bambi’s revenge.

The bizarre convulsions over the Ward Union stag hunt quickly abated yesterday as battle lines were redrawn. The imminent arrival of the Dog Breeding Establishments Bill is now concentrating minds among those Fianna Fáil deputies and Senators who argue the Greens have taken the idea of being “anti-litter” to a whole new level.

There aren’t enough corners in Leinster House to accommodate the whispering huddles. Outside, the atmosphere is every bit as fraught. At the gates, protesters opposed to the Civil Partnership legislation wave anti-sodomy placards and roar about the evils of the liberal media.

Not that many notice any of this in Fine Gael. Enda Kenny will unveil his new front bench today and that is all that matters. How many of the Keystone Conspirators, who recently plotted to take out their leader, will he keep onside and how many will be punished? There was great fun to be had working out the permutations, but everyone thinks that Michael Noonan will be back in business.

Our money is on the man affectionately known as “Baldy” to put the wind up the Coalition as FG’s finance spokesman. Why? Because we saw him padding across the plinth on Tuesday carrying a suit bag from Brown Thomas. Oh, but it’s hard to keep up with the excitement.

Party whips are fainting from exhaustion as they try to keep the skittish troops in check.

Everyone is killed with the heat.

The place is agog with talk of pups and bitches and the Green Party’s evil plan to launch a pogrom against people who eat their dinner in the middle of the day. However, due to the unwitting intervention of Jackie Healy-Rae, the dastardly Greens are having a crisis of conscience on the culchie-cleansing front.

Jackie, you see, has been voicing his concerns about the dacent people of south Kerry and beyond who regularly go hunting with “bagels”. Well. There’s a turn up for the books. Does this mean there might be nothing stronger in the stirrup cup than a Fairtrade decaf macchiato? Junior Minister Ciarán Cuffe, for one, must be most impressed, given his excited tweet on Tuesday: “Nice One. Coffee Kiosk on the way for Killiney Park.” Hah. And there’s Jackie’s lot in Kilgarvan riding to hounds with bagels since old God’s time. One in the eye for Killiney.

But it's strange how the leader of the Green Party has suddenly become public enemy number one among Fianna Fáil deputies who are worried about losing their seats. Until recently, they could handle the Greens, no danger. Now, John Gormley has suddenly become the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Mattie McGrath said his party was bullying Fianna Fáil. Quite a few of his erstwhile parliamentary party colleagues are only too happy to agree – in fact, some of them will be singing it from the rooftops when they get home to their constituencies. It’s funny how they only get upset now. Anyone would think there’s an election coming down the tracks.

Still. Good things still happen.

We hear The Sherlock Holmes Society breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing the news that the Wildlife Bill would not affect deerstalkers.

And then there was some minor business running alongside the madness. Leaders’ Questions dealt with projects for the most disadvantaged and the latest unemployment figures. But now that we are “Technically Out of Recession” it didn’t really matter. What is important is that a Dog Breeding Establishments Bill is not just for Christmas, it’s for life. Mad stuff. The end is nigh for the 30th Dáil.

Technically.