Bean Ní Chocláinn beats Ban Ki-moon to job of earthing sparks

DÁIL SKETCH:THE MAN for the Job was just across the way in a committee room when Eamon Gilmore got to his feet to explain the intractable nature of the situation.

“People not talking to each other . . . not terribly willing to talk to each other . . . don’t know how long that is likely to go on for . . .” An awful state of affairs, and The Man for the Job holed up in the building next door with Deputy Michael Woods – surely a breach of The Geneva Convention.

“Sometimes when a dispute goes on a bit, positions become a bit more entrenched and things are said that are difficult to resile from,” continued Eamon, to a very thoughtful Biffo.

If rumours around Leinster House are to be believed, the Taoiseach and his Minister for Finance are supposed to be at odds over when to go public with the recommendations in the Bord Snip report.

We’re not saying the rift is serious, but Brian Lenihan appeared to be walking with a limp when he arrived into the chamber for a vote.

Had he seen this, The Man for the Job would have taken a dim view.

We’re not alleging anything, you understand, but apparently the Order of Malta is on standby for the next Cabinet meeting.

“In those circumstances, there is a necessity for somebody to knock heads together and I would respectfully suggest that this is one of those occasions,” concluded the leader of Labour Party, having also mentioned the excellent qualities of oil when applied to troubled waters.

That somebody, said Eamon, should be the Taoiseach, or at a pinch, the Tánaiste.

Don’t know about that. You’d be loath to let either of them into a room with an instruction to “knock a few heads together.” The death toll would be horrifying.

No. Not when The Man for the Job was on the premises and ready to be pressed into action.

Which brings us to Enda Kenny – a prime candidate in the search to find anyone other than Tom Parlon to talk to the striking electricians and persuade them to return to the negotiating table.

Former junior minister Parlon was relatively harmless when he was put in charge of minding the Board of Works during his time in active politics.

Now he works for the CIF (Construction Industry Federation) and is proving more abrasive than any cleaning product of the same name.

So definitely not Tom to soothe the striking sparks.

Indakinny seems a decent bet. Like Deputy Gilmore, he too was concerned about the withdrawal of labour by electricians. He wanted to know what steps the Government is taking to end the dispute.

Perhaps he should have taken a more direct route. After all, Inda has an affinity with the sparks of Ireland, given that he pledged to electrify Fine Gael upon becoming leader and has done a pretty good job of it.

Unfortunately yesterday, his contribution on the issue during Leaders’ Questions was so rambling, it was like being electrocuted by a verbal stun gun.

If the electricians had to listen to Enda it might drive them over the edge.

Such was the level of interest in this serious bout of industrial unrest, the Ceann Comhairle allowed the Opposition to question the Tánaiste on the state of play.

Meanwhile, The Man to do the Job was still on the premises with Dr Woods and the rest of the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Foreign Affairs.

He wouldn’t allow TDs sell raffle tickets to each other while he’s about the work of discussing things and negotiating stuff. Fine Gael’s Ciarán O’Donnell was seen handing over a €5 note to party colleague Joe McHugh and pocketing a piece of paper in return. Perhaps they were betting which member of Cabinet would throw the first punch during the discussion on Bord Snip.

But no, it was a ticket for a Fine Gael fundraising raffle. First prize, a holiday voucher for €1,200 and second prize €500 home heating oil.

James Bannon of Fine Gael was back to his old ways during the discussion on the electricians’ dispute, roaring to great effect at the Tánaiste, who smirked back.

“I plead with you, Tánaiste!” bellowed an impassioned Bonkers, “to give the young people of this country hope!” Sinn Féin’s Aengus Ó Snodaigh gave the young deputies of Fianna Fáil a laugh when he urged the Government, during the Order of Business, to provide “secure digital radios” to the Garda. They found this hilarious.

Last evening, word came through that the striking sparks have agreed to enter talks with the employers at the Labour Relations Commission this morning.

By this stage, The Man for the Job had left after his whirlwind visit to Dublin. But had the secretary general of the United Nations intervened before flying off? It seems not. “We are doing so out of deference to the Tánaiste and in the public interest,” said a union statement.

So it wasn’t Ban Ki-moon.

Bean Ní Chocláinn beat him to it.