Miriam Lord: Parties walk on water on way to promised land

A plan has been hatched.It involves parting the raging torrent of Irish Water, kicking a can through the gap and then parking it for as long as possible in the promised land.

It is truly biblical in its breadth of vision.

Or maybe not. It smacks of old Fianna Fáil cuteness and the special talent of its leader, Micheál Martin, for taking the longer view. Some people think there is nothing in this world which can't be made better with a nice cup of tea. In Micheál's case, as he proved during his ministerial years, ordering a big report or establishing an expert commission is his preferred way to banish the political blues. (The blues, in this particular case, being Fine Gael. )

Not to be outdone, Enda Kenny set up so many inquiries and investigations during his time in government that he nearly ran out of retired judges to chair them.

So when both party leaders found themselves in a difficult predicament following the election, their eventual response shouldn’t have surprised anyone. Although it took 60 days to get to it.

Back in February, once the numbers were tallied, it became clear Enda and Micheál would have to share responsibility for setting up a government. A grand coalition between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael was dismissed immediately by Micheál.

The only option – which is still on the table – was a minority Fine Gael government supported by its main rivals.

Neither party is happy with this state of affairs.

Their rivalry goes back decades to the very founding of the State. Expecting one side to act to the advantage of the other would be like asking a committed vegan to polish off a mixed grill or inviting your favourite member of the Iona Institute to the local swingers’ club. It’s not that it would be impossible for them to do such a thing, but just even contemplating it would make them sick to the very marrow.

And yet, despite all of that, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil know they have to do something to deliver the promised land of government to the people.

However, Fianna Fáil will not be supporting Fine Gael. The party could never abase itself to such a shocking degree.

But during on-off negotiations began between the two parties, Fianna Fáil has bravely condescended to “facilitate” Fine Gael in the process of “government formation”.

Is “government formation” anything like “priestly formation” which takes years upon years for the evolving cleric? Unlike government formation, which puts years upon years on the long-suffering electorate.

The Independents were called into play early on in the formation process to ascertain if some of them would join this political enterprise to soften the Civil War look of a Fianna Fáil-enabled government led by Fine Gael. Just over two weeks ago, the main parties began to talk.

Verge of collapse

Since then, they’ve been carrying on like they can’t stand each other. Depending on who you talk to in Leinster House, this could very well be true. The negotiations have been on the verge of collapse on most of the days the teams managed to meet. Not that many days, given the urgency of the situation and not that many hours, given all they have to discuss.

Yesterday, yet again, was crunch time. And while both sides dutifully namechecked all the really serious issues which an incoming government must address (Irish Water isn’t one of them), it was Irish Water they met to talk about. Because bizarrely, above everything else, paying for water is the make-or -break issue for both sides.

“Everyone in the country is discussing it,” said RBB of the AAA-PBP Alphabetti Alliance when the Dáil sat yesterday morning to spend the day discussing mental health with nobody listening.

“The whole country is discussing this particular issue,” said Finian McGrath of the Independent Alliance.

No, it isn’t.

McGrath added, with much more justification, “Irish people are hoppin’ mad because this Dáil is not functioning”.

Enda said nothing. He looked weary. Micheál Martin said “space” was needed in order to try and complete government negotiations. “We’re still trying to be constructive.”

All the Opposition agreed that the Dáil should be allowed to have a debate about water charges.

The Dáil did not get one. Yet.

Dead in the water

Meanwhile, as everyone wondered would the talks resume at some stage during the day (the negotiating teams didn’t seem in much of a hurry), the count for the new Seanad continued in the Members’ Restaurant. The room was packed with mainly unrecognisable people who had the distinctive look of local party hacks about them. They were engrossed in the count.

Outside of the room, there was little interest in what was happening.

And so it seemed that the talks were dead in the, eh, water. Fine Gael didn’t want any more than a short suspension of charges, and even that would be hard to sell to their parliamentary and local troops. Fianna Fáil, on the other hand, wanted them suspended for the duration of the next government and effectively all but done away with. What party will run in the next election promising to revive the question of paying for water?

That short suspension marked Fine Gael’s final offer. They waited for Fianna Fáil to come back. There was no contact all morning. The party strategists waited all morning by the phone, but no call came. Finally, just after lunch, Fianna Fáil got in touch and asked to meet.

It was after five in the evening when the two teams got around the table again.

Michael McGrath of Fianna Fáil had a lot to say on the way in.

Here’s the wheeze: shove the issue of water into some sort of a commission and then let the Dáil talk about the issue to its heart’s content. Michael said Fianna Fáil would be happy for them to start today.

The Fine Gael team had little to say on their way into the Trinity College Biomedical Institute. Paschal Donohoe said they had made progress but had some final matters to resolve, but the party was "looking to find an agreement that respects the views and mandates of both parties".

Could the biblical solution work for both sides?

Parting the water and kicking the can to the promised land will buy time.

But it doesn’t help Fine Gael and its stated principle that there should be water charges. And it will annoy all those people who have already paid and those many more rural voters who have always had to shell out for water.

Parking a problem has never bothered the party before.

Can they risk it this time?