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Who says civil servants don’t have a sense of humour? Among the very weighty briefings contained in the State papers released this week is a small Department of Foreign Affairs file labelled: Middle East Information Centre – Telephone Handbook. It carries the subtitle: Or How to Lie Convincingly.
The document lists some common answers given to questions from members of the public and explains their true meaning. The list was compiled in late 1990 when Iraq had invaded Kuwait and speculation was growing that Iraq would be invaded. People were concerned about the safety of family members in the Middle East and the likelihood of them becoming trapped if a war broke out.
The difficulty in getting in touch with people in Iraq and Kuwait in pre-internet and pre-mobile phone days meant that the Department of Foreign Affairs was fielding huge numbers of calls from concerned people.
Here are some of the stock responses provided by diplomatic staff, alongside what the staff really meant:
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Statement: That is an unconfirmed report.
Meaning: We know that, but we don't want you to know that yet.
Statement: That is media hype.
Meaning: We know that, but we didn't know that they knew that.
Statement: Contravening international norms
Meaning: He's not doing what we want him to do.
Statement: Turkey is perfectly safe.
Meaning: We have enough on our plate without worrying about you so bugger off to Turkey and leave us alone.
Statement: Everyone is safe and well.
Meaning: If you ask me about your son/daughter one more time I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.
Statement: We are monitoring the situation.
Meaning: We are watching the news.
Statement: We are seeking clarification.
Meaning: We have switched over to Sky News.
Statement: The situation is tense but normal.
Meaning: We haven't got a clue what's going on.
Statement: The situation is unchanged.
Meaning: We still don't know what is going on.
Statement: I'm afraid he/she is in a meeting at the moment.
Meaning: He/she remembers you and they don't want to talk to you again 'cause you annoyed them the last time.
Statement: We are aware of that situation and are taking steps.
Meaning: We had no idea. Thanks for telling us. We'll look into it straight away.
Statement: We will inform the Minister of your opinions and concern.
Meaning: Another page for the shredder!!!
Statement: This Department is happy to answer your queries.
Meaning: We are enjoying the overtime.
(National Archive file: 2021/78/1640)
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