Never mind Delors, grab de lolly

Puns are like crossword puzzle clues, they are only really good when when they hit home from two angles of attack. One of last week's Sunday Times headlines - "Don't mention Delors" - was a classic on the infamous Fawlty Towers line, a nice play on words that also captured the patronising silliness of a Basil-Fawlty-like Eurocrat.

The story told an "Orwellian" tale of how British Commission officials are coaching visitors to London to avoid offending British sensibilities.

According to the paper, visiting European Commissioners are now taken aside before they speak in public in Britain and discouraged from mentioning certain words, phrases, and even personalities.

Those particularly taboo are "federalism", "European superstate", "integration", "United States of Europe", "tax harmonisation", "Delors" and the new demon of the British press, "Oskar Lafontaine". Even poor old "Helmut Kohl" is included, since last weekend an honorary citizen of Europe. Come to think of it, anything German could probably be added to the list.

The British head of the Commission's London office, Geoff Martin, is quoted defending the practice. "That's my job", he says, explaining that the use of such words can lead "to genuine apprehension where there need be none".

"The use of words such as federalism, harmonisation and a United States of Europe is not in the best interests of the country."

Not that it surprises me one bit. Last week Oskar Lafontaine admitted sheepishly to a party meeting that he had to start using the word "co-ordination" instead of "harmonisation" because his British comrades had asked him to.

Your European Correspondent was curious to know how far this policy of cultural sensitisation had gone. Was this Commission policy applied to other countries, I asked President Jacques Santer's spokeswoman, Martine Reichert. Is there a written guide to what not to say in Ireland? In Italy? In France? Are we not also likely to succumb to "genuine apprehensions"?

Apparently not. Ms Reichert dismissed any concerns with Luxemburgish insouciance - they are not a people to be shaken, even by insensitive foreign references to "secret bank accounts".

But Ireland's people are more delicate flowers, easily offended, and easily shaken in their Europhilia. And so I'm giving a hand with a short memo to help visiting Commissioners keep on the right side of the plain people of this deeply grateful State - I've sent a copy to Ms Reichert.

Speaker Notes - Visits To Ire- land (Peripheral Region On Western Edge Of EU): While it is de rigueur to express delight at the Irish economic miracle, and to claim some credit for the EU, the speaker would do well to avoid phrases like "paying your own way now", "standing on your own two feet", and "looking forward to becoming a net contributor".

"Solidarity is a two-way street", a la Schroder, is a definite no-no, as is "Germany might have some problems too", or variations on the theme. (Re: "Oskar" - see British note, mutatis mutandis.)

Even in left-wing circles, the speaker should avoid references to "corporate tax havens", "taxing capital rather than labour", and "undermining the tax base of others".

The phrases "artificial regionalisation" and "genuinely devolved local government" are likely to upset westerners, and if the speaker gets that chance to play golf in Kerry, he should refrain from comments which suggest he is not convinced of the county's utter penury or about "Tralee's many offshore accounts".

"Observations about "outdated neutrality", "a moral responsibility to defend a Union from which you draw such benefits", and "NATO's post-Cold War role" are definitely premature.

The speaker should be aware that, as agricultural policy is run by the Department on behalf of the Irish Farmers' Association, the phrases "CAP reform", "CAP renationalisation", "overcompensation of farmers", "cheap food policy", and "subsidising the needy, not the ranchers" are not part of the vocabulary.

The words "duty-free", "inconsistent with the single market", and "licence to print money" should not be used in the same sentence.

Cead mile failte.