There's no doubt about it - pregnancy and childbirth has to be the most exhausting, traumatic and ultimately painful experience the average person can have. This is possibly still more true for women, but I'm not qualified to say and I believe you should stick with what you know. What I know is that my wife and I were pregnant for a whole nine months recently, and it's put years on me. But in the interests of anyone considering this life-option, here is a brief account of my experience.
We opted for a "natural" childbirth, which is the old-fashioned method in which the male partner does not attend the antenatal classes and has very little idea exactly what is going on. I know many people believe it's important for the man to go to classes, and I would have - had I been invited. But I think my wife realised the last thing she would need when the time came was a know-all husband making sarcastic comments about her pushing technique or sighing loudly if she slipped into reverse by mistake.
I did, however, attend the showing of a video in which a young American woman gave birth, although how representative this was is open to question, because she looked about as traumatised as if she was having her ears syringed. But the film was accompanied by a very informative talk which covered all the important points, including sandwich-making. This is true; I'm quoting from my notes here: "Guys, if it starts happening in the middle of the night, fix yourself a sandwich before you leave, because there'll be nothing to eat when you get here." As luck would have it, our experience did start in the middle of the night and that lesson proved invaluable. I made the sandwich as calm as you like, and I only wish our car had been as reliable. This was the first setback. There was nothing about it in the classes, but at around the time the waters broke, so did the car exhaust. And instead of making a discreet journey to the hospital, at 4 a.m. we roared across the city like a scene too corny to make it into The Snapper. In retrospect, I think it was a good introduction to the process for her: if you're the sort of person who is easily embarrassed, childbirth is probably not for you.
We may as well stop pretending here. Sandwich or no sandwich, the male partner is about as useful during labour as a sunroof on an Irish car. All he can do is "lend support" in a quiet sort of way: for a sex whose idea of support is shouting abuse at referees, this is not an easy role. And if the role of the male during the early stages is minimal, the role played in advanced labour is even less pivotal. As far as I could see, it consists mainly of reminding the female partner to breathe in and out, in that order, as if this is the sort of thing she could forget.
So, feeling redundant, most males will experience an irresistible urge to joke. For instance, about three minutes before our baby was born, I remarked to my wife: "I'm missing my Thursday night football for this - and you think you're suffering." Unsurprisingly, this did not help her mood. What was surprising is that, even in the midst of giving birth, a woman can still find the energy to punch you. The first sight of the baby comes as a shock. Your instinctive reaction is to think someone in your family tree must have been blue. Then gradually the baby takes on its natural colouring, even though it will still look a bit like E.T. when they hand it to you.
This is a precious moment, when the parents contemplate together the miracle of childbirth. Which is certainly preferable at this particular stage to contemplating all the other stuff that came out with the baby, not to mention the things that the doctors and midwives are doing at the scene of the incident. In fact, childbirth is a whole series of miracles, not the least of which is that you can witness the event and still feel like eating soon afterwards.
NO report of the experience would be complete without my mentioning the scary moment in the waiting room when I was left briefly alone with two women, both in early labour. They were pacing the room, moaning periodically and one of them turned to me and said - this is true - "You're lucky we don't kill you".
I smiled gormlessly, which was all I could do. But the point is, I had never met either of these women before and yet I was feeling guilty because they were about to have babies. And they knew I was feeling guilty, because it is a standard wisdom among women that if men got pregnant, childbirth would not be the longdrawn out, painful experience that it is.
This is probably true, but whose fault is that? Look at the record. Man's chief contribution to the propagation of the species is the male orgasm, and throughout thousands of years of human history, men have been perfecting this to make it the slick operation it is today. There's nothing complicated or long-drawn out about it. It can be organised just about anywhere at any time, with little (or, indeed, no) prior notice. And, aside from some reported incidents involving Viagra, there is absolutely no pain involved.
But women have had exactly the same amount of evolutionary history to sort out the childbirth thing, and still it is a fraught and painful experience. Is this the fault of men? Or could it be that women down through the ages should have spent a little more time evolving easier childbirth techniques, and a little less time on personal hygiene and haircare? It's just a thought.
I didn't share this thought with the women in the waiting room, which I think was wise. In fact, discretion is an important part of the whole child-bearing process. For one thing, it's important not to be too graphic to those who have yet to undergo the experience, because the future of the species depends on their innocence. And of course, it's important not to bore people generally by succumbing to the urge to talk about how special your child is.
So, having been through the experience, I can assure anyone thinking about it that, despite all the pain, it really is worthwhile. I should add in the interests of balance that it was made easier for us in that our baby is probably the most beautiful ever born. But that was just a lucky break.