There is no right or wrong way of grieving and there is no set pattern, writes Michael Kelly
THERE'S AN age-old perception that men don't cope well with grief - that we bottle up our emotions and, unlike grieving women, we don't cry or talk about the loss the way we should.
Like most areas of men's health, however, these stereotypical views are increasingly subject to challenge.
Psychologists now believe that while there are undeniably masculine and feminine aspects to grief, it is far too simplified to say that all women grieve in a feminine way and all men grieve in a masculine way.
In other words, while there are certainly gender elements to grieving, they are not necessarily gender specific. Equally, the notion that the masculine type of grieving is 'wrong' or that masculine grievers are at a disadvantage when it comes to dealing with loss is also under review.
Dr Susan Delaney, bereavement services manager with the Irish Hospice Foundation, uses an interesting analogy to explain this point. She advises people to think about the two extremes of grieving - on one hand you have the stereotypical extreme of feminine grieving, perhaps a grieving widow taking to the bed and crying for weeks on end.
On the other hand, you have the stereotypical male griever who goes back to work the next day and refuses to mention the subject or shed a tear. "Healthy grieving," she says, "is where there is a balance between loss-focused grieving and future or result-orientated grieving - it oscillates between the two."
A key point about grieving, according to Delaney, is that everyone's reaction is different. The standard model of grieving, for example, where the bereaved goes through predefined stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance is increasingly viewed with suspicion by mental health professionals.
"I call it the flu-version of grief where you go through these stages and then you are back to your old self. It's unrealistic. It's comforting for people to think that it is going to be like that because they have a blueprint.
"The reality - and it's much scarier for people to come to terms with this - is that there is no pattern. There are no markers along the way. Grieving is something we do, not something that happens to us."
James Lynch, a counsellor with the Bereavement Counselling Service, agrees that the lines are becoming increasingly blurred in terms of male grief.
"The traditional thinking is that women are more open to expressing grief and talking about their feelings and men are not.
My own experience is that you can't generalise according to gender. It is probably true to say that older men would find it harder to be open and that expressing emotion doesn't come to them as easily. But certainly younger men are more open. They are coming to counselling which is an indication that they are open to talking about grief."
Irish society, according to Delaney, tends to embrace the feminine aspects of grief more than the masculine which, in turn, suggests to men that their way of coping with grief is not valid.
"I can say this as a psychologist - we overly embrace the feminine side of it. By and large you have women attending female counsellors and it's all about support and talking - all very girlie. The reality is that model doesn't serve masculine grievers very well."
In Living With Grief: Who We Are, How We Grieve, gerontologists Terry Martin and Ken Doka challenged the notion that healthy grieving requires people to express their feelings.
The "conventional grieving" model or what we might consider feminine grieving, involves the open expression of feelings, finding support and comfort in friends and family, and joining support groups. Masculine grievers also have strategies for adapting to loss and while they may be considered unconventional by society in general, they often work just as well.
So what is the masculine response to grief? Martin and Doka characterise masculine grievers as re-directing, rather than internalising, their feelings.
Their reaction to grief is cognitive and they typically adapt by trying to find practical hands-on solutions to the problems associated with the loss. Rather than seek support networks, they prefer to master their emotions alone.
These characteristics typically manifest themselves in men using activities such as work, sports, exercise and hobbies to channel grief. They will deal with obligations (such as work) first, temporarily shelving thoughts and feelings to be dealt with later.
A cup of tea or a pint with a friend where the loss is barely even mentioned may be just as useful to a man as a support network may be to a woman.
According to psychologists, all of these methods are valid and, furthermore, it is vitally important that grievers are allowed to choose a style of grieving that works for them, not for others.
As a result, bereavement counsellors are now more likely to encourage men to leverage off these existing strategies rather than telling them they are not grieving in the "right way".
"Experts are very quick to react and tell men that they are not doing it right," says Lynch. "The work I do helps to validate their own coping mechanisms. I always work by looking at the ways they are coping already and trying to build on that.
"At the same time, while distractions can be useful there is a risk that by being completely distracted you are not dealing with the loss at all. It's about getting a balance."
Delaney believes that when trying to cope with grief, we must first work from our strengths. She highlights the reaction of Michael Dunlop last year when his father, legendary biker Robert, was killed during the North West 200 motorbike race in Antrim in May.
Just two days after the tragic accident in the qualifying stage, Michael went on to win the North West 200 and dedicate the win to his father. "It's a very masculine way of grieving where he says I am going to do this thing and he goes out and does it. That made perfect sense to him but a lot of women would look at that and find it very hard to understand."
A key characteristic of the male psyche - the need to be in control - serves to make the process of grief more difficult for us since grief by its nature is largely uncontrollable.
"Men are wired to be in control and the challenge of bereavement is that it can come from nowhere," says Delaney. "When you are grieving, life seems chaotic. There is no map to tell you how to get through it. At the start men may be feeling numb or disorientated almost in a physiological sense. A key challenge for them is acknowledging that it is not something they can control."
More men are availing of bereavement counselling services, according to Lynch and while some of those who attend counselling have been encouraged to attend, others are there of their own volition.
"It's a mixture. In some cases they have been encouraged to go along by a female influence in their life but a lot of younger men are more proactive about their mental health now and take it on themselves to make the call.
"Crucially, the outcome largely depends on how willing the man is to engage. If they make the decision to go for counselling themselves then the outcome is likely to be more positive."
Just as coping mechanisms vary from individual to individual, so too does the amount of counselling required to help someone accept their loss. "It's not a one-size-fits-all model and I would be reluctant to put a figure on the number of sessions required," says Lynch. "But the ultimate goal is acceptance. That they can accept the loss and move on with their lives, without forgetting the person they have lost."
Dealing with grief
While everyone experiences grief differently, there are a range of emotions which are common and completely normal - disbelief, shock, anger, sadness, relief, guilt, depression, anxiety, despair, longing and loneliness.
Some physical symptoms experienced after bereavement can be quite acute and distressing but again are a normal part of the grieving process and will pass in time.
These may include: loss of energy and interest in life, an inability to sleep or constant tiredness, poor concentration and forgetfulness, loss of appetite or compulsive eating, nausea and/or diarrhoea, headaches and unexplained body pains.
• If you are a 'talker', talk about your grief - talking to people you trust about your loss may help you to accept the situation.
• Seek pastoral advice or spiritual support if you feel it will help.
• Crying helps as it allows painful feelings to be expressed.
• Make some time for yourself each day and have plans in place for when you feel down to make it easier to cope.
• Take care of yourself - get plenty of rest and eat well.
• Only sort out the personal belongings of the person who has died when you feel ready - this act may help you to accept your loss.
• Support groups and bereavement counselling offer a safe environment in which to talk about your grief.
• Read: When a Man Faces Grief: 12 Practical Ideas for Help When a Man Faces Lossby James E Miller Thomas Golden.
• Contact: Irish Hospice Foundation, tel: 01 6793188 www.hospice-foundation.ie; Bereavement Counselling Service, tel: 01 8391766 www.bereavementireland.org;
The Citizens Information Board Guide to Bereavementis available at www.citizensinformationboard.ie or tel: 01 605 9000