ASK THE EXPERT:What do you do if your baby or toddler wants to sleep in the bed with you every night, writes DAVID COLEMAN
I HAVE a 15-month-old boy who was a great sleeper up until a few weeks ago. He got a chest infection and slept in our bed for a few nights until he was feeling better. Since sleeping with us he will not go into his cot to go off to sleep by himself so I have to lie on the bed with him each night until he drops off into a deep sleep. I then lift him into his cot asleep.
He wakes each night (at different times) and the only way to get him back to sleep is by taking him to bed with me. Is there anything you would recommend I do or change to help him drift off to sleep in his cot alone? I don’t want to let him cry and he really seems to need the security.
The sleeping habits of babies and toddlers form the majority of the queries that I receive to this column. So, for all those of you who have sent me queries about your babies and small children who are waking in the middle of the night, please excuse the fact that I am going to use this query as representative.
I think it’s great that when your baby was sick your first instinct was to mind him in your bed at night. It’s like we have an inbuilt intuition that what babies need is comfort and closeness to give them the security while they are recuperating.
Also, being able to monitor them gives us greater peace of mind and generally everyone sleeps better.
What you have now discovered, naturally, is that your baby likes being with you while he sleeps. So, his protest at being put into his cot tells you that he wants to be close. You have responded by offering him that closeness by lying with him in your bed and so he falls asleep easily.
Generally speaking, the physical manner in which we fall asleep is also what we expect when we wake up. So, if you fall asleep in your own bed, you expect to wake up in your bed; if you fall asleep with the light on, you expect to wake up with a light on.
Babies are no different. If a baby falls asleep cuddled into you, in your bed, then they expect you to be there when they wake up. If you’re not there, then they will protest by crying out until you arrive.
Waking up is also a very common thing for both babies and adults to do. There is a rhythm to our sleep pattern. Generally as we fall asleep we move through various stages into deeper and deeper levels of sleep. It takes 30-45 minutes for most toddlers to move from wakefulness through to their deepest level of sleep. The next stage of sleep is called REM sleep and during this stage our eyes remain closed but our brains are showing the same amount of activity as if we were awake.
This is the stage of sleep that dreaming occurs during and it is also the point of sleep at which we are most likely to wake up. If, when we wake we are accustomed to soothing ourselves back to sleep, we will often drift back without ever consciously knowing that we were awake.
If, however, your baby wakes in a new bed/cot and is alone, he naturally feels disoriented and distressed and will call out for you to soothe him back to sleep as you did at the start of the night.
The key, therefore, to helping your 15 month old is to re-establish his ability to self-soothe rather than relying upon you for his comfort as he falls asleep in the first instance. Practically, you need to let him start the night in his cot. Do stay with him, especially if he is distressed so that he can be confident that you will be there to offer him whatever security he needs.
Slowly, over a number of weeks, you can wean him from his need to have you there by withdrawing in various stages. So for a few nights you stay right beside the cot perhaps holding his hand or stroking his head. Then you might sit beside the cot without touching him.
Then for a few nights you sit in the room but further from the cot. Then sit by the door. Eventually you will be outside the door and checking him regularly every couple of minutes to reassure him that you haven’t gone anywhere.
You may find that you have to dwell longer at one step of your weaning than another, so just stay in tune with your baby and move at his pace. As he becomes more confident and secure at settling himself, you can even extend the periods between your visits so that you might only check him once before he sleeps.
It is only at that point, when he can settle himself to sleep, that he is likely to either stay sleeping through the night again or at least be able to settle himself without calling you if he wakes.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com