Slamming the door on teenage kicks

Teen behaviour is all based on their search for the answer to the question, ‘Who am I?’

ANYONE WITH babies will be told by those with older children: “You think young children are difficult, just wait until they are teenagers.”

We seem to be scared of our teens and yet most of their behaviour is well documented – the mood swings, arguments, wearing distinctive clothes, disappearing off with friends and behaving wildly.

If such behaviour is so common then it must be normal so the best way of coping with it is to understand what lies behind the behaviour.

And there is a reason why children behave in certain ways, says Helena Ahern, head of the Counselling and Personal Development Service at DCU (Dublin City University), who stresses that while there are general traits, “everybody is unique with their own likes and dislikes”.

We will all remember that teen time is a period of identity searching, as we move from being a child to adulthood, although we may not have articulated it.

“Teen behaviour is displayed in the search for the answer to the question, ‘Who am I?’” says Ahern, who is also a psychologist and psychotherapist.

“There are a number of developmental tasks they have to achieve and questions they need to answer,” she says, and these include separating out from the parent, developing their own core values, relationships, sexuality, body image, as well as increased personal freedom, responsibility and power.

And that latter point is where you can come into conflict with your former doting darling.

“They start to experiment with power and freedom, and push limits to see how far they can go. An adolescent might start an argument to tease out where they stand on an issue.

“They wonder, ‘Can I express my opinions and express something my parents wouldn’t agree with? Is that allowed? Can I be supported enough to test the boundaries as a person and still be held within the family?’”

Once a parent knows what is behind the behaviour, that can inform the interaction, says Ahern.

“They can have the conversation and communicate that it is okay to have a different point of view. That way it need not escalate into conflict but will be more like a discussion.”

Psychotherapist Orla McHugh backs this point up in her book Celtic Cubs, Inside the Mind of an Irish teenager(Liberties Press).

“The teenager is often in a quandary: they wish to assert their independence while at the same time receiving strong parental guidance and love in order to make them feel secure. It is imperative that they know that they will not be rejected or abandoned as a result of their drive for autonomy and that they are valued as individuals. Parents and adolescents must . . . work together to redefine their relationship.”

Judging by this then, as teens grow up, parents also have to develop greater maturity: taking the flak and yet being a paragon of calm and support. They have to let go but be there when needed.

And that striving for independence can start at a fairly young age. Psychologists divide teens into three broad stages – early, mid and late adolescence – and the distancing can start at the age of 12, 13 or 14, when, for instance, that huggy boy pulls away.

“Suddenly a big public display of affection is a nightmare situation,” says Ahern.

“His mum might say that he is rejecting her but it marks the beginning of his distancing, when he must move away from her and start to do things by himself. Yet, in later adolescence, at around the age of 18, the hugging might come back.”

Part of the separation involves relying on friends more and parents accepting that they are not going to be told things they were consulted about in the past.

Friendships are important in teens for a number of reasons, one of which is testing out their sociability and how they are accepted by their peers. Or, as Ahern puts it, “Will I fit in?”

“Friendships are vital to the developing identity of the teen,” writes McHugh. “Providing them with the necessary affirmation, security and support that were previously afforded them by parents, and offering them understanding, partnership and companionship.”

Often teens choose friends with the same core values as their parents, says McHugh reassuringly, while Ahern says that while they may wish to go out more, all such pushing of new boundaries can be negotiated.

“You can renegotiate right through adolescence: balancing freedom with rights and responsibilities and reaching a consensus. You should not have too many rules: just a few fair reasonable ones that you have discussed and reached a consensus on: if they have been involved with developing these then there is a better chance of them complying,” says Ahern.

“But while you can consult your teens, give them a voice, get them involved, try to reach a consensus and take them seriously, you must always know that ultimately a parent has the right to say ‘no’. Consulting and listening does not negate your own authority.

“The earlier you start the negotiations the better,” says Ahern. “If you start when they are 18, it is far too late. Also, reinforce good behaviour. If they ring home when they said they would, acknowledge that.”

Risky behaviour such as drinking alcohol, crazy driving and unprotected sex is also linked to that quest for identity.

“It is all about experimentation, again pushing out boundaries, testing who they are. They know intellectually that it isn’t good but they find it kind of exciting living a little bit on the edge of things and pushing their identity out there.

“It is parents who need to keep the boundary line and keep them safe,” says Ahern. “Always be a parent. They have many friends but they need you to hold that ground.”

And while you’re being the steady influence that they can push against, if they really hit a problem, a ‘cool’ aunt, uncle or teacher could step in.

“Someone young and very approachable who does not occupy the role of authority figure so they won’t feel obliged to push against them.”

Another teen trait can be moodiness but that silent treatment and door slamming can come about because teens are wrestling with emotions and may not yet have the language to express how they feel.

“A young person might be struggling with regulating their feelings,” says Ahern.

“They may not really know what exactly is wrong and don’t have the wherewithal to articulate it and they could be making their best attempt to say what is wrong with those moods.”

Again, it’s best not to react on a like-for-like basis, says Ahern. “You might go and knock on their door and say, ‘can we talk about that?’. The answer may be ‘no’ but let them know you are there for them. Come back when the mood has eased and say, ‘I know something was up, you weren’t at all yourself.’ If they don’t want to talk about it then you could ask, ‘Is it something in school?’ You could get a ‘Mmm’. Follow the feedback. If you are getting a bit more from them, keep going.”

They might prefer to open up in certain situations such as on a walk or in the garden when a parent might say: ‘I noticed you were very frustrated the other day, what is the story?’

“Another good place is in the car when a parent is driving because it is not so intense, you are not looking at each other.”

While not reacting to the situation in the heat of the moment, if you want to check the behaviour, go back to it later, although that depends on the reason for it.

Ahern suggests that you tell them that next time they feel really intense they should check in with their emotions and that door slamming is not what you want from them.

While asking them to check their behaviour you could also examine your own: parents need to be aware of the baggage they are carrying.

“Things that happened in the past may have wounded you and if the same thing happens again in a different framework your wound or anger is lit up again. For instance, if your child is messy you might have an enormous reaction that seems out of balance to others.”

While teens are hopefully more settled in themselves in later adolescence, once they’ve got to grips with their identity, have learnt to express their feelings better, have a sense of compromising and don’t mind waiting for things (or, in psycho speak, can cope with delayed gratification), they still need your support.

“Make home a safe place in later adolescence. It is great being able to go home and plonk yourself on the couch.

“It might drive parents bonkers but the idea of leaving the outside world and feeling relaxed, protected, cared for and that they are taken seriously is important.”

So the rockier your child becomes as they head towards adulthood, the more rocklike parents need to be.

“The ability to enter the emotional world of the young adult and give guidance, rather than seeking to control his or her life, should be the primary aim of parents,” writes McHugh.

“You need to give them support and responsibility and empower them without abandoning them,” says Ahern.