ASK THE EXPERT:When the list is too long, the expectations too high, a little girl dissolves in tears over Santa Claus
IT IS GETTING near that time of year and so I was encouraging my five-year-old daughter to compose a letter for Santa. I was all set to write it up with her but I was shocked by the amount of things she wanted. It was as if she had devoured a toy catalogue and was repeating it word for word.
In the end I wrote down all the things she wanted but suggested to her that we might shorten it a bit before we send it to him as Santa has to provide presents for all the boys and girls in the world and he can't give everything to one child.
She got so upset though that I ended up really upset too. Through her tears she told me that she had been good all year and Santa is supposed to bring things to the good children.
Now I don't know what to do because she is a great little girl and I don't want to disappoint her. But frankly this list may be beyond even Santa, if you know what I mean.
How can we not overburden him but also not disappoint her?
AH YES, the pressure on Santa can get very intense! You don't say how many items your daughter has asked for but it sounds like you know it is excessive. So even though it is hard to say "no" to our children, sometimes this is the best thing for them and in this situation it will protect Santa too!
Your first instinct to limit the number of gifts that gets asked for sounds very correct to me. Even the way you explained it to your daughter makes sense and is very reasonable.
What you encountered in the distraught response of your daughter is the irrationality of five year olds! Her logic, being good leads to unlimited gifts, is what you need to address.
Perhaps one way is to explain that being good just means that Santa will definitely call to the house. What presents he leaves depends upon him being fair to everyone.
I think you should manage her expectations of what is likely and reasonable for Santa to bring, even if this means culling her wish list and disappointing her. It is way better to help her overcome her disappointment now than to have her disappointed on Christmas morning if Santa hasn't managed to deliver her original list.
The true magic and wonder of Santa is that he is able to deliver anything at all, never mind the quality or quantity of what he brings. This is perhaps the message to emphasise to our children.
My daughter of 16 had some of her classmates here recently. One father came to pick up his daughter and another girl, whom he knows very well.
He referred to all the girls as "bitches" as in, "I hope these bitches behaved for you". I remonstrated politely, saying there were no bitches present, but he persisted, in a laughing manner, and then told the girls to get into the car, referring to them as "scuts".
My own daughter sees this as being very funny, but his daughter wasn't laughing. Apparently this man (a businessman) always refers to his daughter and her friends in this manner.
He's a lot younger than my husband, maybe this is common behaviour among parents nowadays? I feel it must be a constant put-down for his daughter, who is a nice girl, with a lovely mother.
My concern also is that the girls might consider this acceptable behaviour from boyfriends or husbands, in years to come. Any comments?
The only way to know how this girl interprets her father's comments is to ask her. Her interpretation and understanding of what he says, and the manner of his saying it, is what will determine the impact of his comments on her.
If you are concerned about this girl, you could always approach her mother and see what she makes of her husband's comments and her daughter's reaction to them. Such an approach may not be welcomed, however, as it may be a bit intrusive.
Ultimately, you are unlikely to be in a position to influence what happens between this father and his daughter. Your only real concern can be for your daughter and whether you are happy for her to be included as one of the "scuts".
If you don't like the way he speaks to your daughter, then you need to discuss this with her and come to understand how she feels about it. Then, if needs be, you can take it up with him directly or, indeed, you can try to limit your daughter's contact with him.
However, from what you describe, it sounds like your daughter does not take him or his comments seriously. I would imagine that this is reassuring for you as neither her self-esteem nor her expectations of how men will treat her appear to be overly influenced by what he says.
• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irish-times.ie