ASK THE EXPERT:Children hear all the talk of the downturn and it can make them become anxious
MY 11-YEAR-OLD daughter has been increasingly anxious over the past month or so. She is constantly worrying about whether our home could be taken from us and where we would live.
The other day she told me that she wasn’t going to spend any more of her pocket money because she was going to save it in case her dad loses his job.
I don’t know where she is getting these worries from because, thank God, her dad works in the public service and can’t lose his job and our mortgage is manageable.
These are not issues we discuss at home. I don’t even know how she could have picked up the anxieties. I tried to tell her that she doesn’t need to worry about this stuff but it has made no difference.
I’M GLAD for you that things are relatively stable in an increasingly uncertain economic world. I can see why you are surprised that your daughter has developed money worries, given that it is unlikely to have transferred from you or your husband.
However, as with many things these days, our children are exposed to lots more influences than just us. So it is quite possible that your daughter has learned about how financially difficult things are for many families from a whole range of media outlets.
It is also possible that the families of some children in her class or school have been affected by redundancy or spiralling debt. It may even have been a discussion point during a lesson, given how current it is in terms of current affairs.
Irrespective of where your daughter has picked up that the world is less secure than she had always believed, your response must be to acknowledge her fears as real. Even if they are not connected to the reality of your family situation, being afraid of money running out in the world sounds like quite a rational fear to me.
So let her know that you understand that she worries about your family security (as represented by jobs and home) and that, at times, you may have worried or may still worry too.
The only way to reassure her, actually, is to explain a little to her about how your family finances work and the fact that, generally, your family is going to remain solvent. At 11 years of age it is okay for your daughter to be exposed to these realities of life.
Simply telling her not to worry is unlikely to be effective because it doesn’t address the information she has picked up from friends, school or media outlets that have led to her belief that money is tight and your family security is at risk.
The only way to challenge her belief that your family is in danger is if you can explain a rationale for why her particular fears are not justified because of her dad’s job and your guarantee of a stable income.
Discussing family money with your daughter in this way might seem to be too much of a burden for her at her age, but it sounds like she is already burdened by the worry of your family going bankrupt.
I HAVE a 14-month-old son, who is just charmingly wonderful. He is an only child and an only grandchild. He has very recently started to hit people who are holding or sitting with him on the face (especially his granddad, which is very upsetting). I say “no hitting” and put him down if he is in my arms or ask the person holding him to put him down. He knows that his slap is wrong because even before I get to say no, he shakes his head “no” one second after he slaps. What is my best way to approach this behaviour?
I THINK you are approaching it in exactly the right way. The most important message you are giving is the clear verbal response that hitting is not allowed. By following that with putting him down, thereby moving him out of range of anyone to hit or slap, you show him that hitting will not be tolerated.
Another important thing with toddlers who slap, bite, pinch or hit is that they get a consistent message. So the fact that you encourage everyone else to react as you do means that your son will, more quickly, get the message that hurting is not allowed.
The only other thing you need is a bit of patience as learning that hitting is not allowed will take some time, even with the strategies you are using.
You might also like to reassure everyone (including yourself) that hitting out like your son does is completely normal and most toddlers will try out some kind of hitting, biting or pinching. There is rarely malice intended in the hit or slap and it is not something for any recipient of the hit to feel was personally directed at them.
* David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television. His new series, Teens in the Wild, is currently running on Monday nights at 9.30 on RTÉ 1
* Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com