THAT'S MEN:Joint decision-making is the road to harmony, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
HAVE YOU been trying to reduce the level of conflict in your marriage? If so you may be out of luck but it’s not all bad news either and more of that later.
Back in 1980 researchers at Ohio State University and Florida State University began a 20-year programme of checking in with nearly 1,000 couples to ask about the state of their marriages. They continued at intervals for two decades.
What they found was that the level of conflict in marriages stayed roughly the same for the whole two decades. This was true of both low- and high-conflict marriages. They found it interesting that people in low-conflict marriages tended to share decision-making with their spouses.
Let’s face it, lots of people keep lots of decision-making to themselves to avoid hassle with the nearest and dearest.
Indeed for some, attempts at joint decision-making mean hot and heavy arguments which the parties can hardly be blamed for wanting to avoid.
What this research suggests, however, is that joint decision-making is the road to harmony.
Or is it? There is a pessimistic explanation: namely that the people concerned are less inclined than others to get into fights in the first place. In other words, it may be harmony that leads to joint decision-making and not joint decision-making that leads to harmony.
The research suggests another possible explanation. Those with the lowest levels of conflict also happen to believe marriage is for life.
It is possible, said one researcher, that those who strongly believe marriage is permanent see little point in keeping conflicts going. They learn to let their disagreements run into the sand.
Here’s a test for married readers – what type of marriage do you have: volatile; validator; hostile; or avoider?
These are the categories the researchers used to classify the couples they encountered. If you have a volatile, high-conflict marriage then you share this characteristic with about 20 per cent of all couples, if the US research translates to Ireland. Interestingly, you are not necessarily miserable: your happiness is at the mid to high level.
It’s the other 20 per cent of couples with hostile marriages that are in real trouble and heading for breakdown.
Validator marriages are the ones mentioned earlier: low-conflict, joint decision- making and a belief in the permanency of marriage. They account for a healthy 54 per cent of couples.
And then there are the avoiders. These are in what might be called old-style traditional marriages. They avoid conflict, they have an old-fashioned view of roles (for instance, hubby doesn’t do housework) and they, too, believe marriage really does last until death do you part.
Guess what? They have low levels of conflict and they generally stick it out until death does, indeed, they part.
Good grief, could this mean avoidance is good? Actually, if both parties are into avoidance, the answer is probably yes. But as any relationship counsellor could tell you, if one partner is into avoidance and the other is into involvement, the outlook can be very poor.
Why did I say all this is not all bad news? Because it means there is no need to get into a tizzy just because there is conflict in your marriage.
If I read the figures correctly, only 2 per cent of marriages in the study had no conflict. This is either a statistical blip or one or both the partners were dead.
To live is to be in conflict and conflict is not the end of the world. Even low-conflict marriages have conflict, by definition. And even people in volatile, high-conflict marriages are not necessarily unhappy.
The research tells me that it’s okay to accept our humanity which is cussed and cantankerous and makes all of us, male and female, a pain in the ass from time to time. To read more about the research (to be published soon in the Journal of Family Issues), go to http://bit.ly/thatsmenconflict
Padraig O’Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is accredited as a counsellor by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail