Giving the baby his space

PARENTING:Make the transition from your bed to his own, and eventually to his own room, through a change of routine and a staged approach, writes DAVID COLEMAN

Q MY SON is 17 months old. He sleeps in bed with me and I breastfeed him to soothe him to sleep – sometimes he can wake a few times at night. As I work in the mornings I would like to sleep more, so we are thinking of putting our son in his own bed in his own room, and settling him there.

I am hoping that way he will sleep better and settle himself. I am realistic that he will probably want to come into our bed some time in the morning anyway. Is this realistic at 17 months? When do you think would be a good time to move him into his own bed and do you have any advice on how to go about it?

I would also like to get him to his own room as it would get my partner involved in settling him at night. We never wanted to go down the Ferber road of controlled crying. He never wanted to sleep in a cot so has been in bed with me from day two, when I managed to get away with letting him sleep with me on the hospital bed.

A THE BEST time to move your son into his own bed is when he has finished breastfeeding as his way of soothing to sleep. When that will be is entirely up to you and your son. Even choosing to do this may be very hard for you both as it sounds like you have a beautiful and comforting night-time routine for him.

However, if you really want to shift his night-time routine the best thing is to stop feeding him to sleep. You can prepare by giving him a nice long feed as his “supper” before getting him into bed. Then either you or your partner can settle him in your bed, by offering yourselves as a physical comfort for him, so your son is not left to cry it out alone.

Once you have established a new start to the bedtime, one that he has adapted to successfully, then you can consider the next steps to moving him into his own space. I would suggest that you set up a mattress in the corner of your room for him as the first stage of moving out of your bed.

So, initially he is out of your bed but not your room and you and your partner can take turns with settling him to sleep on the mattress.

Again, once he is used to this you can organise his own bed (ideally with the mattress that was on your floor) in his own room, and he is likely to make this final transition more smoothly once the preliminary steps have been taken.

Even with a staged move, such as I have suggested, your son may still wake. If this is the case then try to stay positive, get as much sleep as you can at other times of the day and hang in there until he gets a bit older and hopefully more settled.

Q I HAVE a 14 month old and due to redundancy following maternity leave, have spent her whole life with her. Because of personal reasons, ie mortgage payments etc, I will be starting a job soon that is a few hours away from our home and I’ll be away altogether three nights a week.

My husband will have to take on all the creche duties. I am really worried how this will affect my daughter. Not only she will be in a creche for five long days (8.30am to 6.30pm), I won’t be around each night.

Have you any suggestions to prepare her for this time and to minimise the impact when it’s up and running?

A IT IS hard to have to make decisions about childcare based on necessity rather than personal choice. It sounds like you would love to continue being the primary carer for your daughter at hom, and I imagine it is a big deal to be thinking about going back to work away from home.

The good news is that your daughter is likely to have a secure attachment based on your interaction with her, and this means that she can expand her trust and her attachments to others, too.

Also, the fact that your husband, her dad I assume, will be there to offer her the security and continuity that she will require before and after the creche hours, is also a really positive thing, and these two factors together will minimise the impact of her transition to creche.

For sure she is likely to be a bit upset as disruptions to infants’ routines do unsettle them. However, time and an opportunity to get used to the new routine will often ease this short-term upset.

The only other thing you need to do is to be confident in the care choices you have made and to try to be attuned to any of your own feelings of upset and distress at the change in your relationship with her. You may fear losing a closeness in your relationship with her, so do try to create new times and opportunities to be with her.

This will give her and you the comfort of remembering how important you are for each other.

• David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
• Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement @irish-times.com